Wow!! Its been so long... now is December already!! My gosh!! Time sure flies! Looking back, it was still July since i had the incident until now.. Have kinda "rested" for quite long too.. Gotta prepare to go back soon.. Still left like few more mths before ord.. so yeah.. but dunno wad life will be when i go back.. sure got many things change.. its been like so long since i stepped in there again.. Dunno if i'll be going back to repair my tanks again anot? Haha.. anyway, i dun think i can too given my condition.. hopefully can settle for some clerical job bah.. Hmms.. If time cud go back, i wud not want to have this incident at all.. But.. wads happened is happened.. can't turn back time.. Maybe God wanted to let me have this nice long break thats y he planned it all.. Hmms.. okok..
Well, its been like 5 mths now.. and my condition is getting better already. But still can't walk properly yet.. and also can't walk so fast.. Wonder when will i be able to walk like normal again? Hmm.. ok la, still learning how to walk now.. going for physio sessions.. Anyways, even when i recover back le, i'll become like an "endangered specie".. can't afford to fall down anymore again.. If fall down again and bone break, dunno if can repair again or not.. so now must be more careful when i walk le.. Feel so "endangered" lor.. haiz.. Need to pay extra caution when i walk in future.. Hmm.. maybe my bones are brittle thats y.. break so easily.. lol.. haiz.. And also, there's a small little chance i might get the avascular necrosis.. which is a side-effect of the post hip surgery.. oh man so many worries..
Ok lah.. dun think so much le.. but still can't help imagining the worst.. ok, shudn't think anymore le.. forget abt it.. i will walk like normal and lead a normal life again.. !! Alrights..
Well.. now just feeling a bit "restricted" due to the fact im serving the country.. so can't go anywhere i like lol.. felt so "freedom-less" man.. haiz.. lols ok.. enuf of haiz le.. haix.. lol.. kiddingz.. i am very restricted now.. can't go anywhere except to stay at home face the four walls and the ceiling.. really bored ttm!! ZZZ..
Now still left about 7 more mths before i ord.. thinking back, from the day i enlisted until now.. there's time where i go thru many sufferings.. there's also time where i kinda enjoyed it.. Those hard times during BMT leave a scar on me.. i still rmb how the "treatments" i received from some of my bunk mates.. and the tranings.. field camp and so on.. finally POP.. was so happy to get out of it.. Then i got into oeti where life seem a bit much better for me.. Over there, just learn and learn only.. but got to get used to the extreme late hours of bkout timing.. everyday everyone will bkout at 5.30pm sharp whereas for us, we always bkout the latest.. but well, got used to it.. moreover, we all suffered as a team together..so the bonding was there.. Finally the day came where we got our posting.. Was quite sad when i knew abt mine.. as i wud be separated from my fren as he gg another unit different from mine.
The hellish day eventually came when i report to unit for work.. Life there was really hell!! And some of the ppl there also.. this FUS (fk-ed up sgt) of mine really made my life hell.. and my section also the worst out of all.. Everyday work and work like mad.. until so late.. then go back.. Go back also like no energy le.. next day still must report back for work again.. And then.. LAB, ICT.. all the major exercises came and we have to work even more crazier.. OT like almost everyday.. have to face shit everyday.. super shiong and chiong lah.. A lot of hiccups n conflicts between me and that fus of mine n some of the seniors.. Really hellish.. Finally got a "break".. which was the driving course that i was selected to go for..
Felt damn lucky that i was selected!! But.. at first.. i din feel like going cos im gonna stay in and can't bkout everyday.. and also the mental stress i hav to go thru.. But aft thinking thru, i think maybe it wud be a gd chance for me to learn driving and gain some knowledge and skills too.. So i decided to go for it. Life there was like a routine. Everyday wake up, eat breakfast, wait for bus to go kbc, learn driving, come back, sleep.. lol everyday almost the same. Trainings were the worst man.. hell times for me.. as i got this super fierce and strict instructor who always scold and scold during my driving.. suddenly i feel driving is no longer that fun as i tot.. must observe so many things.. can be quite dangerous if u do not drive properly.. But anyway, i still persevered on until the end.. finally the day came for us to take our final test!! I failed the first 3 tests.. and finally passed on the 4th try!! So happy when i passed man!! Finally got my driving license.. woo!! Felt like i've accomplished something in my life.. so was damn happy!!
But life in driving course also not that smooth for me.. Besides all the driving and all.. the ppl there i met are like.. some gd some bad.. but on average, most are still quite gd lah.. just that i felt rather lonely in there. Maybe i just can't click well with the ppl there and my bunk mates. Towards the end of the course, there were a few hiccups between me and some of my bunk mates which led to a conflict among us.. Until now, it still hasn't been resolved yet, but well.. its over already and wads happened is happened already.. So dun wanna think abt it anymore.. Wadever that has happened.. just let it be and leave all the bad memories in there..
After driving course, finally back to unit again.. but then still on that "trying to adapt back" attitude again.. as been abt 2 mths nv go back.. and i also requested to change section and just when everything was going fine as i tot.. then this incident occurred which landed me into where i am today.. Yeah.. but well its all happened so just accept it lor..
Wow!! Felt like i just did a recap of my whole ns life!! Yeah.. but there's still a few more mths to go before i ord.. Can't wait to ord man!! After ord.. still nd to think abt so many things.. study or work.. so many things to plan for future.. wow!! Ok lah.. shall end here now.. bye..
Update for november
Sunday, November 14, 2010
at
11:52 PM
Wow, its november already. Here's some updates.. but first, there's sth i wanna rant about.. and that's my laptop! Yeah, i think its kinda dying on me already. First, the screen keep flickering non-stop, and now.. the charger got problem! DANG!!~ Rmb i said the charger which i put the black tape on? At first it does work, but after a while, it doesn't seem to work already.. i have to pull and push the wire at a desired postion to make sure the charging light lights up.. man its so troublesome! Too bad my warranty's over, can't get a free replacement charger. :( Oh wells.. just see if it got sold outside or not.. but it'll be a while before i could step outside though. So, just gotta try and tahan with this for a while. I think my lappy's really dying liao.. can't wait to get a new one.. but.. no $$!! :(( Thinking abt the fact my dad bought my sis her new laptop makes me go green.. i noe he wun buy for me one lah.. haiz.. will have to make do with this old lappy of mine until i have enuf $$ to buy a new one. :X
Okays, lets talk about my condition now. Went for my review as stated and this time, it was slightly gd and bad news. Gd news is, the doctor say i can put abt 50% of my weight onto my left leg and can try walking with one crutch instead of two. So i've been practising recently, and it does pretty fine.. only i have to walk a bit slowly and like a bit unsteady. Bad news is, i got a shorter mc this time.. ok initially i have a thinking that i might get at least 2 mths of mc again as i feel i haven recovered yet and still nd more time, but then the doc says my condition looks well so he gave me only 1 mth. Im not trying to drag my mc, but i just feel i still nd more time to recover fully.. given my current condition n i still can't walk without crutches yet. Nvm, there's still another review, and tats the last day of my mc.. which means i have to extend it again most likely.
So regarding my condition, i would say its slightly better now. I can walk with one crutch but slowly.. still need more practise. Just when i was optimistic about my recovery, sth happened ytd. I stepped on the floor with my left foot.. but dunno y, i felt some kind of crack on my foot.. like a litle sprain or sth. And even now the pain still haven subside.. hope its not the bones break or wad.. dad says bones cannot break so easily one.. so i hope its just a minor sprain and the pain will go away soon after applying the medicated oil onto it. Hopefully tmr the pain will go away so i can go back to practise walking again.
And now putting things aside, just wanna share some of my thoughts. To some ppl, i might appear to be a bit "cold and unfeeling" when it comes to texting and replying msgs. First of all, i wanna say im not a person who will take the iniative. Im not trying to purposely wait for ppl to approach me or wad, but its just not me. Maybe its due to the hurts i accumulated over the last few years that i have seen enough of ppl already.. so now i start to be more wary and doubtful of ppl, unable to put my trust in them again. But, being a passive person does not mean im bad, and tat doesnt mean i dun care abt ppl ard me anymore. I still care.. in my heart, but i just dun say it out.
Secondly, when it comes to replying msgs, sometimes i take a bit of time to reply, its not bcos i purposely drag and wait until the last min to do so.. cos i have this so-called "words constipation". I dunno wad to reply at all. So i have to think for a while before i can reply. This is the same for me when it comes to talking, for certain ppl and certain time. Mostly is in the army, many at times i just dunno wad to say that will make it feel right for everybody. And some ppl say i am "slow in my thinking". Maybe its cos due to those hurts, i hav become more closed up and reserved, not talking very often, thus losing the sense of talking n so i dun even noe wad to talk abt at times.
Sometimes, i dun even noe how to express myself.. and often make a fool out of myself.. feel so embarrassed. I wanna be confident and to be able to like "overlook" everything.. just simpy dun care and be myself.. but i just can't. This is just me. I am just who i am. Accept what u cannot change, change what u cannot accept. But i think the former is more logical.
Ok thats all i have to say... i noe i always write long n draggy posts.. perhaps its just me.. and my TTM (think too much) inspiration that helped me to write such a long essay.. enough to make into a novel liao.. Wow, i think if i were to publish all my thoughts and opinions i written here on my blog into a book, it can really become a novel and a book with at most a hundred pages. Hmm.. idea.. kk, tata!
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Food for thoughts
Friday, October 29, 2010
at
12:36 AM
I've changed my blog song again! This time, its the song called Just The Way You Are by Bruno Mars. Damn, im so in love with this song!! Nice, soothing, lovely, amazing.. its just "heavenly". Oh, so beautiful. And the lyrics are well-written too. Its now no. 1 on my playlist and i can listen to this song hundred times without getting bored of it. Recently, i just started listening to eng songs.. and im beginning to become an eng pop fan already rather than mandarin pop fan. Previously, there arent many eng songs in my mp3 player. But right now, i have like a plentiful! Such as teenage dream, california gurls, impossible, baby, take it off and many more.. Man, i think i love eng songs more than mandarin songs now! Oh but when i hear some new mandarin songs played by my sis, i get interested and went to look for them. So there's also a few chinese songs on my list. And one of my favourites is Elva's Cuo De Ren. This song is very emotional and feeling.
Okok, enough about songs.. im too crazy about them..lol. Anyway, my sis just left for bangkok this morning. I feel like going overseas too! When can i do that?? Have to wait for my injury to recover first.. dunno how long it will take. Each time i visit the doctor, they will only tell me they have to wait and see if the bone is properly intact before they can allow me to go for physiotherapy. Its been a long time already. I rly dun wish to wait anymore. I just want to start physio so i can start walking asap!
Its been 3-4 mths since im stuck at home. During this period, i feel like im just living in solitude, although i have parents to talk to. But when they're not around, life just revolves around me and me alone. Im just so lonely. Hmm, it feels like im stuck in a time trap during this 3-4 months period. Although time seems to be moving, but it has stopped for me. Im just like stuck in a timeless environment. Where nothing seems to move at all. Everything has frozen. My life is just like plain water. Same old routines everyday. Before that, my life isn't aint that colourful either. Apart from work, there's also nth much i can do. The good thing is, at least i could busy myself with work and nd to think abt so much things and there's ppl to talk to in camp so i won't feel lonely too. But now, its just me, myself and i. Its such a cold feeling. Maybe im destined to live a life like this. Im kinda used to it already. Perhaps it'll nv change.
Sometimes i ask myself, why am i born this way? Why can't i be like other people who can crack jokes, be funny or know wad to say at the right time? Forget it, im just not born a linguistic person. I dont even know how to express myself now. I wish i am just like an operating system, programmed to do what people wants me to do. So i need not think abt wad to do at times. Its so frustrating not knowing what to do at times.
Ok tats all.. will be going for my review this coming mon. Damn sian, have to go thru the x-rays and all the procedures again.. Hopefully i can start physio soon.. so i can start walking and go back to my normal life.. alrite, i'll end here.. bye.
Okok, enough about songs.. im too crazy about them..lol. Anyway, my sis just left for bangkok this morning. I feel like going overseas too! When can i do that?? Have to wait for my injury to recover first.. dunno how long it will take. Each time i visit the doctor, they will only tell me they have to wait and see if the bone is properly intact before they can allow me to go for physiotherapy. Its been a long time already. I rly dun wish to wait anymore. I just want to start physio so i can start walking asap!
Its been 3-4 mths since im stuck at home. During this period, i feel like im just living in solitude, although i have parents to talk to. But when they're not around, life just revolves around me and me alone. Im just so lonely. Hmm, it feels like im stuck in a time trap during this 3-4 months period. Although time seems to be moving, but it has stopped for me. Im just like stuck in a timeless environment. Where nothing seems to move at all. Everything has frozen. My life is just like plain water. Same old routines everyday. Before that, my life isn't aint that colourful either. Apart from work, there's also nth much i can do. The good thing is, at least i could busy myself with work and nd to think abt so much things and there's ppl to talk to in camp so i won't feel lonely too. But now, its just me, myself and i. Its such a cold feeling. Maybe im destined to live a life like this. Im kinda used to it already. Perhaps it'll nv change.
Sometimes i ask myself, why am i born this way? Why can't i be like other people who can crack jokes, be funny or know wad to say at the right time? Forget it, im just not born a linguistic person. I dont even know how to express myself now. I wish i am just like an operating system, programmed to do what people wants me to do. So i need not think abt wad to do at times. Its so frustrating not knowing what to do at times.
Ok tats all.. will be going for my review this coming mon. Damn sian, have to go thru the x-rays and all the procedures again.. Hopefully i can start physio soon.. so i can start walking and go back to my normal life.. alrite, i'll end here.. bye.
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Its October!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
at
12:32 AM
Been quite a while since i last updated. Before i start, i really hate the flickering screen that i am seeing right now.. Yes its my laptop's LCD screen. It keeps flickering non-stop. Gosh.. its driving me crazy.. *hits hard on the laptop's back* yeah thats wad i did.. grrr.. cos im rly angry with it for flickering non-stop.. and i do not noe how to stop it.. mannn.. i guess its telling me that it wanna retire already.. Anyway, this laptop's been with me for almost 4 years, since the day i bought it at 2006. And that was the first time i ever got a laptop in my whole life!! Man im so jubilant! Delighted!! Way before that, i've played with my cuz's laptop and i find it real cool.. to have like a "pocket computer" whereby u can carry ard wherever u go..
However, this was not the case for me.. I didn't really bring my lappy ard in school although most ppl do.. i always leave it at home for fear of ppl stealing.. and also cos its heavy.. and i dun rly need it. The only time i brought it out was to the library for a project, and tat was the first time i find it a hassle instead of fun to bring it ard. Thats becos the battery can;t last long!! And i hav to find an outlet to plug my charger in to charge it.. Then other probs resurfaced.. such as the charger got spoiled due to my frequent coiling of the wire.. when it finally pronounced dead, i brought it to the repair centre to exchange for a new one, lucky i was still under warranty that time.. But now.. this new one which i've been using for quite a long time.. is also gg to say gdbye to me.. The wire somehow is a bit frayed with a bit of it exposing.. i have to use black tape and tape it up so it wont get exposed.. and sometimes, the electric can flow sometimes cannot.. So becos of this, its HARD to charge my laptop and becos the battery runs out very fast.. i need to charge it very often whenever i turned on my com. Felt like my com is on the verge of dying.. i wanna get it replaced.. but not enuf $$.. if only i saved enough $$ i can get a new one.. Well, its all about $$$ these days.. isn't it?
Okok.. so where was i?? Keep talking abt the laptop thing.. Oh yeah, its already October!! Gosh.. so fast man.. yeah and so fast in a few wks time, i'll be gg back for my next review at the hospital again! That kind of feeling is like coming upon me again.. not sure how will everything turn out.. And whether my mc will be extended again or not and by how long.. i rly do not noe.. On one hand, i yearn to have longer mc as i kinda enjoy wad im doing now (though its kind of boring, but its also a "gd" lifestyle.. eat-slp-eat-slp..) But then on the other hand, i also can't wait to learn to walk again so i can go back to normal lifestyle.. Man, its so hard to decide between the two.. Hmms, of course i wish i could walk so i can go back to normal again.. As for now, really dunno wad is gg to happen next, so can only wait and see wad the doc have to say before i can even think abt anything else.
As im typing this now, my com screen keep blinking and flickering.. i rly hate it!!! Im gonna whack it already!! Yes i just gave it a hard knock on its back!! And it kinda returned to normal!! Well this is wad i did everytime i see the screen flickering.. i noe its bad to hit it.. but i have no choice.. if i dun hit, it will keep flickering non-stop.. so the solution is to hit it!! Damn.. i rly wanna change a new one liao.. but $$$$$!!! Arghhhh!!!
Kk, enuf abt laptop and $$$... Hmms, well its been almost 3 and 1/2 mths since the accident happened and i was being grounded at home. So missed the world outside.. Wondering when can i ever go out to see the world again?? Oks.. nth much to talk abt though.. just noe that my company's building have been moved to a new one.. haven got to see it.. but i supposed it shud be better than the old.. So many things have changed..
Sometimes, i just wonder, wad would it be like if i were born in a different country? Would i be like what i am now? They say, "The grass is always greener on the other side". Yes its so true i keep thinking its so gd to be living in another country.. but is that really true? I rly dunnoe.. im kinda influenced by the Westerners... i rly wish to become Western one day.. or will i not? Hmms.. we'll see.. too many things to decided already.. afterall its the future.. no one noes wad tmr will bring isn't it?
Okays.. i guess thats all i have to say.. sayonara!
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Impossible
Monday, September 20, 2010
at
11:43 PM
Just changed the blog song to a new song... (and its also the song i downloaded.. damn!) Yes.. anyway, its called Impossible by Shontelle.. love this song man.. its so catchy!! Esp the chorus.. tell them all i know now.. bla bla bla.. super catchy!! Just too impossible~~ impossible~~ impossible~~ impossible.. Actually im a bit outdated on eng songs.. this was rather an old song but i just heard it lately and began to fall in love with it.. The song has a lot of feelings in it.. esp when the chorus came.. it was like some sort of "let all your emotions out" kind of feeling for me where i just want to yell and scream like nobody's business to vent all my frustrations and all the things inside my heart out.. so its also one good "venting" song.. for me especially.
Becos humans are all "feel-able" creatures.. we do have feelings.. everyone has. I just can't control myself at times.. but to switch to that emotional side of me again. I really dunno why.. things have changed, people have changed, everyone have changed. They are not the same anymore.. Perhaps its just hard to maintain a long term friendship when ur not even close to someone in the first place.
All this while, i have been living in hurts and hurts.. from sec sch to poly to even now.. army.. but all these hurts does not come from whatever sources.. they come from people. People whom i met all throughout in my life.. i dun wish to recall them anymore.. those were the unhappy experiences.
So now, wad am i gg to say? I felt like im in that same "situation" whereby im beginning to lose trust in ppl again.. that kind of helpless feeling.. insecurity that followed me since.. Maybe its becos i dunno how to conversate with ppl? I dun seem to click with any of them? Perhaps im just a un-sociable and nv-will-get-along-with-anyone kind of person.
Felt like going to another world.. another place out there and start a new life on my own. Perhaps i will live like that in solace forever..
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Heavy price for a lesson
Sunday, September 19, 2010
at
11:56 PM
Man!!! I just did a terribly stupid thing.. wanna noe wad is it?? I went to surf the net on my phone.. using the internet provided by my provider. All the while i have been using wifi all along to surf net on my fone.. but becos the signal is too weak, i decided to change to using the ideas wap that was in my phone.. that is also the internet provided by the provider.. Singtel. So it means im now using Singtel's internet to surf on my phone, and naturally.. i had to pay for it.. I already knew it.. but i didn't expect that i would have to pay over 50 bucks for that!! It was really WAY TOO RIDICULOUS!! IT IS!! So this was wad happened..
I went to download a song that is about 8mb on my phone.. and spent abt 10-15 mins using the internet. Then when i went online on my com to check the charges.. it was 0.01 cents/2kb.. after i checked my usage on the internet.. it was 10.61mb.. so after i did my calculations.. to my horror!! It was 54.34!! Thats the price that i have to pay! OMG.. its horrendous!! Not convinced, i called the singtel customer care hotline and then it was confirmed.. its true!! OMG!! I didnt noe about such thing at first.. i tot it wun costs that much to surf the internet on the phone.. cos like in previous years.. i did surf and the amt was never more than 10 bucks! But this time, i used only abt 10mb.. and it amounts to $54!! OMGOSH!! I was really aghast.. but too bad the singtel staff can;t do anything abt it.. so means i had to pay for my ignorance and foolishness..
Felt damn stupid and heartbroken.. to spend $54 just over one song which i could get it from the internet using my com and transfer to my phone.. i guess im just too "rich".. like to throw my $$ away.. lol.. no of coz not!! This was done in a "unconscious" state of mind.. but wads done is done.. no pt crying over spilt milk now.. just felt bad cos my dad always say money is hard to earn.. yet i just spend it away like that.. !! Over a song!! I really deserve a good scolding from my dad for it.. for not internalising the phrase into my head.. Whenever i think abt the money he makes are those which are gained from his hardwork.. "blood sweat money".. it really pains me that why am i spending all the "blood sweat money" that my dad earned so hard like water..
I guess i only have myself to blame for this matter... A heavy price for a lesson learnt.. Next time better not use my phone to surf net anymore.. maybe just use wifi..
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相反的我 The opposite side of me
Sunday, September 5, 2010
at
11:14 PM
I think this song really relates to me. Translation is done by yours truly.
我看着镜子后面皱著眉的我
i look into the mirror behind and saw the "frowning" me
很孤单她有话想说
very lonely it seems he wants to say something
像天空不会永远都是蓝色的
Like the sky will not forever be blue always
有阴天你才会抬头
On cloudy days you will look up
走穿多少的巷弄
Passing by so many villages
笑了哭了
Laughed and cried
有三四个人爱我
A few people loved me
Chorus:
我想要一个乱了数字的时钟
i want a clock with its numbers jumbled up
我想做一个完全相反的我
i want to be a person that is opposite of me
我在这个世界拼命些什么
i work so hard in this world for what
累死我
making myself so tired
我有双不听任何命令的耳朵
i have a pair of ears that don't listen to orders
去享受快乐加上自由的我
to enjoy the happiness and freedom in me
我要变成一颗透明的石头
i want to become a transparent rock
我不会动
i wont move
也不会痛
and wont feel any pain
像轮胎用了太久 没气了 所以
like a tyre used for so long until it has no more air left
原谅我 想消失几周
forgive me as i wanna disappear for weeks
每个人都在选好的轨道奔走
everybody is walking on their own good chosen path
讲真的我想要呼救
truthfully speaking i wanna call for help
我看着镜子后面皱著眉的我
i look into the mirror behind and saw the "frowning" me
很孤单她有话想说
very lonely it seems he wants to say something
像天空不会永远都是蓝色的
Like the sky will not forever be blue always
有阴天你才会抬头
On cloudy days you will look up
走穿多少的巷弄
Passing by so many villages
笑了哭了
Laughed and cried
有三四个人爱我
A few people loved me
Chorus:
我想要一个乱了数字的时钟
i want a clock with its numbers jumbled up
我想做一个完全相反的我
i want to be a person that is opposite of me
我在这个世界拼命些什么
i work so hard in this world for what
累死我
making myself so tired
我有双不听任何命令的耳朵
i have a pair of ears that don't listen to orders
去享受快乐加上自由的我
to enjoy the happiness and freedom in me
我要变成一颗透明的石头
i want to become a transparent rock
我不会动
i wont move
也不会痛
and wont feel any pain
像轮胎用了太久 没气了 所以
like a tyre used for so long until it has no more air left
原谅我 想消失几周
forgive me as i wanna disappear for weeks
每个人都在选好的轨道奔走
everybody is walking on their own good chosen path
讲真的我想要呼救
truthfully speaking i wanna call for help
The explanation:
I look into the mirror behind and saw the "frowning" me very lonely it seems he wants to say something..... (Actually i always pretend to be happy on the outside, yet the inside of me is just a sad and lonely person and i have lots to say but just can't and dunno who to find...)
Like the sky will not forever be blue always.. On cloudy days you will look up.. (Just like happiness will not last forever, there's also the unhappy times that i will have to go thru and face up to it)
Passing by so many villages.. Laughed and cried.. A few people loved me (After going through the many ups and downs in life, i realised only a few truly cared for me)
i want a clock with its numbers jumbled up.. i want to be a person that is opposite of me.. (How i wish time would just stop at that moment where im truly feeing happy and blessed.. where i can be totally carefree.. the opposite of me.. carefree side of me..)
i work so hard in this world for what.. making myself so tired (What am i working so hard for? Do i get any reward from this? No i dun.. i only make myself more and more tired..)
i have a pair of ears that don't listen to orders.. to enjoy the happiness and freedom in me.. (How i wish i dun have to listen to all those unhappy stuff that i dun wan to hear and think about those unhappy things in life.. just continue to enjoy the freedom and happiness that is in me)
i want to become a transparent rock.. i wont move and wont feel any pain (I just want to become "transparent" to the world, dun wish to care about anything so i wont get hurt)
like a tyre used for so long until it has no more air left.. forgive me as i wanna disappear for weeks (I dun think i have anymore "stamina" to go on already.. i just wish to take a break from all these "chaos")
everybody is walking on their own good chosen path.. truthfully speaking i wanna call for help.. (Seeing everyone is so successful in their lives, i can't help feeling envious about them.. and i wanna be like them too.. become successful... but just dunno who to turn to for help..)
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The verdict
at
10:34 PM
Ok.. at last, the verdict is out! I realised i have been using this phrase a lot of times... like the posting i got after pop from bmt.. and also the posting i got from the oeti course.. Recalling those moments.. yeah they were sort of a "panic rush" for me.. like wondering what's gonna happen next, where will i be posted to... and so on. Well anyway, the verdict is out! What verdict? lol.. the verdict as to whether i'll be extending my mc or gg back to camp..
And well, of coz.. its the former rather than the latter.. which is my mc will be extended.... for another 2 mths. GOsh! So long right! On one hand, yes im glad that i have another extension, but the other hand, i also feel sad cos i can't go out, have to stay home for another 2 more mths, which is hell load boring! Omy omy.. why why why.. did i end up like this? Prob God saw me toiling for abt 1 yr for ns, so he wanted me to have a gd rest.. but.. well.. i just hope i can get well soon.. I would rly love to go out n see the world again.. Oh and btw, that doctor who attended to me is a different one from the last time.. he's sort of strict and keeps telling me not to put my leg on the floor which i did the last time as i tot i was abt to recover.. well, i dunno what to do, who to listen.. is it the prev doctor who said i can put my leg on the floor or isit this one?? Haiz..
I guess this "transition period" is sort of an eye-opener to me too.. like i realised many things throughout this period when i was home-ridden. The phrase, "a friend in need is a friend indeed" truly comes alive.. Saying is easy, but doing is difficult. When a friend is really in need, do we really go and help him/her? It lets me see what kind of friends i have.. the true ones, the goody-goody ones, or the casual hi bye ones.. Truly, how far a person will go to care for a person depends on his own genuine love and care for the person. If a person truly cares for another person, he will no matter wad extend and reach out to him for the furthest he can go. So it all boils down to that thought and concern, whether is it genuine or not. Saying can be easy.. saying "i care for u in my heart".. yes its so easy anybody can say it.. but what about doing it?? Its a different thing altogether.. I guess, this is all about our self thinking and perception.. whether we really perceive that him/her as a true fren or not.
Ppl say, making friends is easy.. but maintaining them is difficult.. Really, it takes a lot of time and effort to nurture and maintain the friendship. Sometimes, some friendships might just fade away and new ones might be formed again and again.. So yup, thats about friendship.
As for now, i simply can't stand my dad talking to his friend now... not that i dun let them talk, but he is like "badmouthing" me telling him all the bad things i have done and so on.. well its all about $$.. as i wanted a new laptop, and i told my dad abt it he doesnt want to give me one as he said there's still one "spare" laptop at home.. but that spare is so slow.. unless we put a bigger RAM into it.. but i can't as i can't even go out and walk.. So his friend was like asking why he dun wan to buy for me.. and then he said things like.. i squander all my money into taking taxis everytime.. im this, im that.. bla bla bla... yes yes yes i take taxi everyday so wad!! Thats my money wad! Ok... perhaps i shudn't take his money, but.. my sis asked him for laptop that day cos hers spoil, he immed go and buy one for her cos she said she need it for work.. wth! He's just more bias to my sis and dote on her more lor.. Forget it, i think i'll just have to save more $$ to buy a good laptop for myself in future.. And thinking abt that, i rly wanna find a job and earn lots of $$ for myself so i will not be looked down upon by my dad and others!! Damnnnnn... just so peeved...
Kind of bored.. wondering what to do the next few days... arghhh!! I can't go on like this!! There's just so much emotions inside me, wanting to share with ppl, but who can i share with? I dun think there's anybody ard to share this burden with me...
i dunno why, i kinda like... lose trust on ppl already.. i dunno who i can trust in this world anymore.. no one seems to be nice to me genuinely.. to think the world is actually such a cruel and realistic place, there's no "love" in this world at all.. i rly wanna live in my own world instead.. dun wanna face the outside world anymore..
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Hating that uncertainty
Monday, August 30, 2010
at
3:33 PM
Hiya, im back.. after a slightly long hiatus..? Okz..
Generally, the same routine.. eat sleep play eat sleep play... is always what im doing. (in short).. kinda used to this lifestyle already.. so good ah.. no need to do anything, no need to worry at all.. But... my this "sort of good" lifestyle is coming to an end soon.. as this thurs is the last day of my mc, and also my appt date with the doc at the hospital.
It is just this uncertainty feeling whether the doc will extend my mc anot.. otherwise i have to go back to that dreaded same old boring workplace again! Ohh.. its been quite some time since i've been there.. so dunno how is it gonna be like when im gg back there again.. Anyways, i think chances are the doc might extend my mc cos i can't walk perfectly yet.. and also, i need time to adjust.. so pretty need a few more weeks extension maybe. Anyways, just hate this uncertainty feeling... arghhh!!
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How long more?
Friday, August 13, 2010
at
11:16 AM
Im just pretending to be calm and cool about recovery.. But, actually the fact is.. i can't wait for it to be over!! I can't wait to get well soon.. to be able to walk again!! Damnn.. how long more?? Just hate it why can't the bone heal fast? The doc said youngsters like me will heal v fast one.. now alrdy more than 1 mth plus le.. still not healing fast? Damn!
It all boils down to that fall.. Why why why!! God why must u let me fall??!! Its so painful and now the recovery is even more painful and boring too.. God, why.. when i just abt to change my section and see my ns life getting changed.. this has to happen to me.. Now im as gd as dead. Cant go anywhere at all.. Im feeling v despair now.. Now that the fall has resulted in this fracture, it will nv be complete again.. Future life awaits more complications for me.. How i wish i can just end my life like this now.. then dun have to worry so much more.. God, perhaps u shudn't brought me into this world.. u brought me in here and let me suffer so much.. i dun wan to stay here anymore.. Damn. Getting so disappointed with ppl, life and all... There's nth much for me to look forward to..
Even after ns life.. i also can't seem to see where my life will go to.. now during ns, also can't do much... damnnnn... why has my life become like this?? GOD!!! Come n change my life!! I can't stand this anymore!!
One more thing i hate the fact im "crippled" now.. yes wadever u call it.. can't walk long distances, can't eat my fav food and drinks, cant go places.. cant do wadever i want!!! Arghhh!! Damnnnn... walking is such a big misery to me!!
God, are u there with me?? Where are u when i needed u?? Why din u watch me and prevent me from the fall?? What do u want me to gain from having this fall?? Tell me!!!
I feel so lifeless now... Sometimes dun even feel like getting up anymore.. maybe just let me die. I dun have the energy to continue anymore..
Disappointments one after another.... having someone close to ur side is jsut so hard.. wanna go back to those good old days and times of mine... damn!! WHY!!! Now, after that fall.. my life is nothing but pitch black!! My social life also becomes lesser due to the fact i can't meet up with ppl.. so many loss rather than gain!! GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im crying out to u now.... tell me what i shud do!!!!
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.........
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Frustrated
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
at
12:42 AM
Im writing this post cos im feeling frustrated now..
I simply dun get it.. my house becoming a hotel now!! Damned!!
Cos.. of my sis!! She likes to bring frens home.. and now they playing mj in my house.. so late at night u noe?? I wan to slp also cannot!!
Its not that i dun like her to bring her frens.. but.. our house not big lor, not bungalow or wad.. and she bring so many machiam like party.. crazy lor.. i hate crowds.. i'll get "scared" seeing so many ppl lor..
I simply dun get it.. why must she be so nice to her frens in the expense of sacrificing our family?? Is frens so impt to her that she can forgo the family for her frens? To me, i wun.. ok it depends.. to those whom i regard as true frens, maybe i wud.. but those casual frens, i will nv.. I just dun get it.. she prioritise her frens in front of family.. I noe frens r impt, but also dun have to everytime give in to them wad.. she always give in to them.. see lah.. they playing mj so happily in my hse now.. noisy lor..
I just hate crowds lor.. perhaps its just my "inner disability".. and i also have social probs too.. dun like to talk to ppl.. unless i find them very comfortable n easy to talk to.. but most of the ppl whom i talk to.. usually arent that easy to talk to.. so as such, we are always just "hi bye frens" instead of frens whom can go a long way and chat everything under the sun..
Thats me.. i hate myself too.. why am i not that sociable?? I dun wish to be popular or to be in the limelight, but at least give me some brains to think abt what to do or say to a person when he or she talks to me at least.. i always have difficulty talking to ppl and replying to them, thus i dun carry a conversation quite well..
Enuf abt all this le... back to topic..
Yeah i just dunno why she likes to invite frens home and treat them as "gold".. My house isn't a house anymore.. its become a hotel where ppl come and go as they please.. Where's the basic house rules we ought to have in the traditional old days? No wonder they say, ppl change.. generation changes ppl... I hate this generation of ppl!! I wanna go back to the old tradition again!! Yes i mean it!! I dun like this new generation at all..
Ok i shud stop here now.. hopefully i'll feel better after writing all this down.. peace.
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FML!!!!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
at
2:46 PM
Freakkkkkk!!!! Its getting so bored here.. im almost gg to be bored to death soonzz.. Yet, i still gotta endure another few more mths maybe?? Damnnn... when can i get back to walking eventually?? So damn angry with myself for falling down and ended up this way... I really hate my life now.. Perhaps u think its good to eat, slp, play and do nth for the rest of the day.. its gd to me for a few days, but i simply can't live this kind of life for more than a mth.. close to 2 mths!! Arghhh.. gg crazy soon..
Why must i fall?? And fall so badly?? Ended up with a stupid injury but the most painful thing is recovery!! (Might as well just let me die from the fall!!) I really can't wait anymore...
Felt like no one cares anyway.. Im just a lonely freak out there waiting for death to take place sooner or later..
Heck!! Wadever.. im so messed up with life now that i dun wan to think abt anything else.. If my life gonna be like this, so be it!! Bored then bored to death lor... looking at that stupid leg of mine, how i wish to just break it and end this whole painful recovery process...
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Damnnnn, i dun wan to go back army, but i also dun wan to be stuck at home!! So sickening!! Hate myself..
Shit this whole thing... FML FML FML FML!!!
Sometimes, i keep quiet doesnt mean i hav nth to say. I say ok doesn't mean im fine. When i smile, most of the time its usually a fake smile. Im a very passive person, always waiting for ppl to approach. I dun like to tell ppl what im feeling cos its just not my style. I rather they come and find out from me themselves cos then i will feel its more genuine. But then again, im also afraid to open up. Maybe its just me. I prefer to be sealed up alone in one corner. But, im still hoping someone out there would find me and bring me out of the place im in.
Many at times, we cant be ourselves, esp when we are with frens whom we r not so close with.. we tend to fake ourselves to be happy but actually we're not. I guess everyone has a thing to hide.. their emotions and feelings. If only we can be so open up to many ppl, then we can be true to ourselves. How i wish i can be myself!! Really just myself in front of my frens... Can i?? Where is the real me? Where has it gone to??
Thats all.. im just bored. FML!!
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Boredom strikes
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
at
6:58 PM
BORED BORED BORED... I AM SOOOOOOOO SOOOOOO BOREDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!
So bored so bored so bored........ BORED to death!!!!!!!! lol....
Mannnn...time pass v quickly at times, yet so slowly at times too...
Nowdays everytime stay at home, super bored to the maxxxxx!!! mexico!!!
Kkz, i am just so bored now!!!!!!! Can anyone find me sth to do?????
Looking at the state im in, if it wasn't for the fall... i wouldn't be in this state now. Damn... why must i fall?? I so hate myself!!!
I wanna go back to the normal life..... go outside and see the world!!!! ahhhH!!! freaking bored here....
Just an update... 2 more days before my appointment date at ktph!! Omigosh!! Wonder what's going to happen... Will be having the x-ray on my hip to see if it has healed.. I hope it has.. looking thru all the articles on hip fracture, it just gets me so depressing.. after seeing the complications it can do to my hip.. Total hip replacement!! Ahhh!! I can't think abt that!!! seriously... dun wanna go for another surgery again!! Pray that i'll be fine!!
Okk.. with nth much to do now.. its very very boring... if only got ppl come talk to me then i wun feel so bored... Haiz, well sigh....
Thats all.. BOREDOM STRIKES!!!!
Zzz..........
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Updatesss
Saturday, July 31, 2010
at
11:53 AM
Wow! 2 weeks have passed just like that! Now, we are already coming to the end of July and starting of August. How time flies!! Haven been updating much lately so now's the time to write something and give an update on my current life.
First up, i have changed the blog songs! The song playing first is Jay Chou's new song called Shuo Le Zai Jian. First time hear it, i just felt it was like any other normal song.. but after hearing it repeatedly, i can feel the emotions of the song coming out.. and thats why this song is damn emo, makes me feel emo too. Anw, songs have the power to change a person's feelings or mood. So if its a sad song, sad mood.. happy song, happy mood.. yeah? But when we feeling down, we normally listen to sad song.. ok tats abt songs.
Second, what have i been busy doing all these while? First things first, have been playing the game BTO also known as business tycoon online for quite some time or rather, most of the time. So much of my time have been invested in this game. I wouldn't go into the details of the game, but just to say, i partly play the game cos of that guy whom i met in driving course.. everytime i see him online, i will try talk to him, to get his attention. Hmm very long nv "quarrel" with him liao ever since our course ended so i tried to "quarrel" with him in the game, but sometimes it lead to adverse effects. Ok..thats abt the game.
Another thing i have been coping with is also boredom and loneliness. Although i have games to play, but i still feel bored and lonely at times. And sometimes i wonder, whether anyone truly cared for me, and also if their care and concern was genuine, or are they just caring for the sake of caring? Lots of thoughts just ran thru my mind. Yes, they do care and all, but tat was in the past.. wad abt now? Its so different now. I no longer feel the care and concern anymore. Sometimes, when im miserable or sad, i will just play the game to "numb" myself. So that i can be occupied without thinking any other things. But, reality hurts. After a while, it all comes back to me again. Why? Why is it like this? Have i done anything wrong? I just wished for a clique of frens whom i can be comfortable with thats all. Maybe its not easy to achieve it.
Changes are always constant. People change... everyone change. Even that guy changed. Nowdays when i log into the game and see him online, i will talk to him, but he seldom respond already. Having helped him to be able to climb up the politics ladder so that he can become a block legislator now, this is what he does to me. I just feel damn sad. Felt so neglected by him in the game. What's more sad abt this is.. i created another account on the same server and actually used it to get close to him. Yes, it worked! He could talk normally with my the other persona.. but not with my real name in the game. Maybe cos of the impression i gave him in the first place. I think he is just a bustard who looks at people's appearances and all, dun even try to understand a person well. So yup, people change.
This is just a sudden thought. Some of my frens have just enlisted into ns, and they're taking bmt now. To them, bmt is a happy thing, cos they can get friends and bondings. But, to me.. is hell!! I will never ever forget abt it. I rmbed i was bullied.. real bullied by my bunkmates. Esp on the last day before POP, they played a prank on me which caused me to go and confront the other person and i was so shocked that person became violent and started to fight me. Now when i think back, i shud have just been more "man" to fight him back isn't it? Perhaps in the end we all land up in DB or maybe get punished severely.. and i'll nv forget that bastardic bunkmate of mine who is my bed buddy also.. damn pissed off with him. All in all, i had nv had a good bmt life in the first place.. so my impression of bmt is .. it sucks!! To think they now want to screen a 16-episode of BMT life in the cyberworld, i tell u.. its all FAKE!! The real emotions only take place when u are in it!! When u are experiencing what i feel!! If u think what im saying is wrong, think abt this.. Did they portray on ppl getting bullied or being insulted at?? NO!! They din even portray that!! They only portray the GOOD side of BMT.. which is u get a lot of bunkmates who are so called "supposingly" helpful.. but the truth is, u never noe who is truly helpful in the end.. Some might just leave u alone in the ditch.. So, i shud say the video is damn stereo-typed.. only portray GOOD side of bmt, and not the BAD side..
Wow wow wow, said so much pretty "emotional" stuffs.. But that's pretty what i thought too, just felt like "letting it go" everything all in this blog of mine. Afterall, this is the avenue where i throw all my troubles and problems and burdens in here. So yup.
Okok.. the title is updatesss, but i haven updated anything on my condition yet, so lol.. Been a mth now since im recovering at home slowly... Will be going for next review next thurs and then see what the doc have to say. So right now, still recovering process.. damn bored can't go anywhere.. missed all the places i been to and all the fun i had during those times i could go out with my frens.. missed all the food too! Esp IKEA cheesecake!! Thats my fav!! Been a year since i ate that.. i must go eat it once i recover!! Ok, so much on that.. really misses and misses!! But, it is not the food that is good, its not the place that is nice, its the company that im with.. like my frens.. some whom i can really be comfortable talking to.. they are the ones that matter most in my life. I read a fren's blog and he says, to him.. Friends play a big part in his life. He can't live without friends. Well for me, i think the same too.. but, i aint sociable as him, neither am i very witty or funny like him can crack so many funny jokes.. Wished that i can be a comedian at times too.. perhaps all this is inborn?? When ur born with it, u will have it..
Okays, time to say goodbye again and back to my game... i think its the only thing which i can use to forget all my troubles.. So, i'll play it everyday... Thats all, tata..
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Thoughts and reflections
Thursday, July 15, 2010
at
3:15 AM
Its been a week long since the operation of my hip has been started. Currently, im just cooped up at home, and its so so so BORED!! Can't go anywhere at all.. Leg can't walk also.. sometimes i accidentally "half-slipped" and landed my leg on the floor.. but aftwards i faster pick it up again and it causes pain. So i gotta lie down and rest for kinda a while before the pain subsides and i can go back to normal activity again. So yeah, thats one thing i nd to take note of.. to be more careful. Cos now using crutches to walk.. and its a bit unstable at times. Wad im depending on is the strength of my right leg.. imagine standing on ONE leg for a few mins.. its very tiring indeed!! Well.. thats wad im doing almost everyday.. standing on one leg to do certain things at times.. yes its rly tiring after wards i require a place to sit and rest..
Anyways, been feeling rather lonely these days, although mum is at home. But she'll be gg to work next wk, and tats when i nd to take care of myself le, so more on that later.. Back to topic, yes i feel lonely.. and whenever im alone, i tend to think a lot.. so much to ponder about..
One thing is abt the driving course. There's this particular guy whom i kinda missed having his presence. To me, he's like a brotherly figure. Perhaps i dun have a brother so i long for that feeling of having one who can take care of me. And he portrays a brotherly figure to me. Wad he does during the course, he always treat me badly with scorn and mockery. But in actual fact, he's doing that to spite me, so i cud fight back. He noes im a timid person and wants to change my character. Well, i did.. changed a bit becos of him. I became a bit more daring aft wad he did to me.. but still, haven quite reached the top yet. Anw, i missed "quarreling" with him.. everytime he will always try to say things to hurt my feelings to push my morale down, but i will fight back and say things to hurt him too.. haha.. its just a habit that i will do whenever i see him. And now, i no longer see him cos we're in diff camps. The only way i cud talk to him is thru the game im playing now, which is also recommended by him. Thanks to him, im kinda hooked on the game now.. although the reason for playing is just to communicate with him.. Haiz.. he's just like a brother to me.. u noe.. ah well~
To carry on, maybe i shud say.. IF i knew that the outcome of me staying in my original bunk in the course would be like this, i wud not have chosen to stay at all. Actually, my first choice was to choose their bunk (whom have this bro that i was talking abt but at that time i still do not know him). But, lying to the fact that its better to stay with someone whom i noe and tats Ash and Ben.. therefore i chose to stay with them instead of Him and his frens. But now, looking back, i rly regretted... all the way till the end.. If only i had chosen to stay in their bunk instead of my bunk.. things might not be wad they are now. Prolly i cud get to know him better and deeper as a fren. And his bunkmates too.. most of which are also technicians. Sigh.. IF ONLY.. anyway, its over. The course's over. So everything is over. The ppl whom i met during the course too. I'll just take them as casual frens or even strangers.
Like they say, the human heart is an emotional organ.. we all have feelings.. Sometimes i just wish to have someone by my side while im in this situation now. But sadly, there's no one around. I understand that everyone is busy now with their own stuffs and all. Its just my thinking that has gotten the better out of me. Sometimes i get hooked onto these feelings and i became miserable thinking about this and that..
On another note, im also kind of worried abt one thing.. whether my fracture will heal completely or not. But in the long run, its certainly to bring problems.. like the avascular necrosis.. a symptom where the head of the hip dies off due to lack of blood flow.. if that happens, i might need another surgery and god knows what will happen next.. So i really hope everything will go fine and smoothly so i do not need another operation.. I rly dun wan another op!! Its so scary to have the first one... and thinking of the next.. goodness!! So wells.. *cross fingers and prays*.. Everything's gonna be alright i hope..
To side things up.. regarding my camp and stuffs.. well nth much to say too. I know that there r some who truly care for me and some who dun. Hmm.. perhaps this fall also let me see the genuine side of ppl.. whether they care for me genuinely or not. Anw, when i return back to camp, i think i might not be able to do maintenance work anymore. Prolly might downpes.. but thats still unconfirmed. I just hoped i can be rid of all these heavy machinery and stuff.. i just wan to do light duty thats all.. Haha.. not keng lah.. but.. ahwell~
I guess i really said a lot of things.... all thats in the mind..... this happens when im all alone.. tends to think a lot of things.. So yeah, like i was saying, next wk onwards gotta learn how to take care of myself le.. no one ard to help me.. well just hope i can manage by myself..
Really very boring.. Bored to the max...
Hope i can faster recover and get back on my 2 feet again!!
Thats all...
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The sudden downturn
Friday, July 9, 2010
at
12:08 AM
Just as i thought everything was going fine for me at work and in life.. that i might be accepted into Ultra section.. then.. things took a downturn. It was kind of a shock for me and a turning point to me too..
Last fri evening, i went to my fren's condo for bbq gathering.. And, just as i was making my way to the bbq pit to find them.. oh and btw, it was pouring quite heavily.. so there were some puddles on the floor which i din see and somehow, my shoes gave way and i slipped and fell with a loud thud and landed on my thigh!! MAN!! It was really painful!! I couldn't pick myself up at all.. Soon my fren, Vic called to ask where i was and i replied wad happened to me. Shocked, he went to find me and as soon as he found me, i was lying on the floor in a position with my thigh and knee bent 90 degrees apart. Later, a few others came to see me. They were shocked to know wad happened to me. After a while of struggling, i managed to make myself sit on the ledge near the wall. But, struggle as i cud, i still can't lift my feet up and straighten it. The last solution was.... to go to the hospital.
Luckily one of my fren drove, so he gave us a lift to the nearby hospital. As i struggled to pull myself up, with my frens carrying me.. it was rly painful man!! Suffered and tolerated the pain until we reached the nearest hospital.. which was KTPH! Upon entering and after the registration, i went in to see the doc, followed by an X-ray on my leg.. and then, it was suspected that i had a fracture on my left hip bone. I got scared and din noe wad to do. But its a fact. So after that, i notify my parents and they came to the hospital to see me. After everything was done, i was being admitted into the hospital and warded.
That night, my orthopaedic surgeon came and talked to me abt my fracture. It was a serious hip bone fracture and he explained very detailed abt everything.. and lastly, he said a surgery was necessary. So therefore, i had to prepare for an operation. At that time, my mind was in a whirl.. i was totally shocked and well.. just followed wad he said. A more complete and precise explanation of my fracture....
The tip of my hip bone, which is the "head", has sort of "came off" or separated from the rest of the bones at the joint. And, there were many blood vessels near the "head", as my bone "head" is now separated from the joint, the blood cannot flow thru these vessels and without the continuous blood circulation flow, the "head" will die and then there will be trouble. So, seeing that im still young, he said he will do an op for me to join the "head" with the joint back together. And by doing so, 3 metal screws will be drilled into my bone to join the "head" with the joint back together. But there are still some risks involved. One is, the bone head and joint might not be joined back together properly, the other is the avascular change which is a symptom whereby the blood vessels cannot receive blood due to the interruption of blood flow circulating thru the vessels to the bone head, and as a result, the bone head will die off and then they might need to replace a metal bone for me to act as the bone head which might lead to even more complications. (Haha.. very bio right??)
So yeah, during the op, i was given the anaesthethic to sleep so i wun feel any pain. All i know was, they made me breathe in this STRONG GAS thru the airway.. and it was so strong that after a few mins, i was totally knocked out and i didn't know what happened at all. After a while, i came to and found myself lying in the recovery room as it was quite cold and i was freezing. At that time, i was still quite tired so went back to slp, until they woke me up for another X-ray before i was being pushed back to the ward to cont my slp again. Then, my family and relatives came to visit me. Later, my church frens also came along. And the first time i had my dinner, but i rly had no appetite at all. Vomitted a few times due to the nausea.. and after they left, there were a night snack that was a hotdog bun so i ate it and slept for the night.
The next day, i was feeling better. My appetite came back and i could eat normally again. Then they came visiting me again. My left leg was put in a horizontal straight position and i cannot move it at all.. cos it had just been operated on, so it needs time for the 3 screws to join and the bone to join and heal also.. After a few more days, it was getting better and so the physio came to teach me how to walk using crutches. My first time learning how to walk with crutches!! After learning how to walk already, the doctor then said i could discharge tmr!! I was so happy... getting ready and prepared for discharge.
So, in total, i spent 5 days in the hospital from Fri to Tues. And, during these 5 days of my stay in this hospital, i had frens and family relatives came to visit me, also not forgetting Dextre my army fren who came to visit me.. rly very touched and blessed. =) oh and also, the nurses there were nice and frenly as well. Overall, the hospital environment was really pretty and nice, as its a new hospital which opened quite recently only. (So.. am i lucky to be one of the patients in this new hospital?? Well..) Anyway, finally i got discharged on Tues!! So happy!!! Mum came to fetch me and we went back home on taxi.
Got back home, but things were no longer the same. I can't walk with two legs now. Need to use crutches and walk, which is a new experience for me. Must not put weight on my left leg, tat was wad the doc told me. Oh and btw, the doc gave me 2 mths of mc!! Yay!! Ok.. its pretty long, but its also necessary for such a serious sickness like mine to heal.. so yeah. But then, also nd to go back for another X-ray the next month to see if bones have completely healed and joined back together or not.. and also many follow-ups and appointments.. And another thing, i might get down-pes too.. but that still unconfirmed.
Just hope i can recover fast and get back to walking with my 2 feet again.. Staying at home is really very boring!! I wanna go out!! I want to be back to normal again!!! Yes!!!!
Bye....
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Back-to-Unit Life and Probation for Ultra
Friday, July 2, 2010
at
4:50 PM
Yo yo yo..!! Im back!! So long nv update this blog aredi, ever since the driving course ended for me since 2 wks ago..
Yes, im back to unit life now!! Everyday go home~ WEE!!!! BUT but but.. workload is back!! Arghh.. all the repairing and maintenance work to getting my coverall soaked in sweat and hands getting dirty with lots of *yuck*.. is... BACK!! *screams*
Anyway, now im currently in another section doing another platform of vehicle.. and that is.. M113 aka Ultra. Previously, i was under BX. But.. couldn't stand the life there anymore.. and ever since the driving course ended, i alrdy had plans to change section just that i dared not take the plunge. But however, one day when my Master come and talked to me, i told him abt my decision to change section.. and to my surprise, he agreed!! (well tats becos im not of any help to my section actually) so well.. after the other party agreed to take me in.. and now, im under Ultra section for a temp period.. so called probation period for 1 wk, and its ending soon.. next mon! So wells.. i rly dunno wad the outcome will be... will i stay in Ultra or be in BX?? Only God knows i think.. but i truly hope i can stay in Ultra.. cos i dun wanna go back BX anymore..
Anyways, life under Ultra is.... considerably better than what it was in BX. Although there's still some "HELL".. cos of my unit mate, Ash who is also in there.. and i kinda have some conflict with him, so i faced some hell now and then.. but compared to BX.. i think its still tolerable lah.. Plus, i always have interest to learn new things.. so yeah.. im new to Ultra and i love to explore new things.. so yeah!! Ok.. so this wk is rather slack.. not too many things to be done, just a familiarisation of the vehicle, all the engine components and stuffs.. have to rmb a lot of things!! So... up till now, i can say that i have abt 60% of the knowledge with this vehicle.. not talking abt the maintenance work how to repair and stuffs.. but gen. knowledge abt the vehicle lah..
So ya, and..talking abt the people in Ultra.. some r rather gd and some r otherwise.. but generally i can still get along with them lah.. But me and Ash have conflicts with each other, so sometimes when we are paired up to do work, there will often be some disputes and so on.. but i just try to be nice to him, get the job done and off we can go rather than dragging on the dispute and making things worse for everyone. So wells, i can say that.. i have been VERY VERY TOLERANT to him these few days.. yup.
As i have a known "bad record" with my background in BX.. so when i was transferred over to Ultra.. most of the ppl had that "impression" of me that i was a slacker and a chao keng-er.. which i was not.. and, plus Ash around who kinda make things bad for me by saying i this i that... now they believe im the type who slacks ard and do nth.. and.. so.. they are determined to make life HELL for me!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!! Im damn sad and pissed when i hear abt this.. but well, wad can i do?? I can't possibly go back to BX life again.. so i'll try to tolerate with it and get things moving on smoothly..
Anyway, i have already considered myself as a Ultra person rather than BX now.. so the mindset and life will be v different if i were to be thrown back to BX again.. And coming this mon is the last day of my probation for Ultra.. which includes 100 hrs engine servicing!! If i can carry it well and steady.. means i passed the probation.. otherwise.. back to BX.. So i just hope i can do well for it!! Must get ready to PIA ALL THE WAY LIAO!! And CHIONG CHIONG CHIONG!!
I will FIGHT TILL THE END!!!!!
Apart from that... there's nth much i wanna say.... back to unit life in a new vehicle, Ultra.. thats wad im in now..
So okays, hope for the best to come... Ultra!!
Cya!!
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End of driving course for me / Conclusion and RTU
Monday, June 21, 2010
at
9:33 PM
Looks like i have succeeded in "forcing" myself to do a weekly entry about my driving course yeah!! As i felt it was a good "experience" and such opportunity like learning how to drive doesn't come by so easily.. so i must pen down everything that happened and my thoughts throughout in the driving course.
In conclusion, well im grateful that i got the chance to learn to drive, after my dad and my mum been harping me on whether im keen to learn driving and ask me to take the highway code test.. (i often mistook it as highway court.. lols). I did have plans on learning to drive but that was probably after i ORD or in the future.. as i didnt have time to do these things while im still serving my time in ns. But, so lucky i was granted this opportunity to learn driving.. while im still in ns!! So yeah, i was (a bit reluctant at first due to course stay-in and stuffs).. but in the end still went for it.. and i think overall it was a great experience, despite all the harsh scoldings, people i met and all.. i can just say its a "learning journey" for me and i also experience many things about people and all..
So now, im going to continue from where i left off last week....
Well, i failed my FIRST TP! :( Sadly.. But the tester aint that good anyways.. haha.. somehow, we always blame the testers, ok duh. So after having clocked 200mins and 50km, i went for my second TP.. and guess wad?? I failed again! :(( Reason? Not rly the tester's fault although i got a rather strict one.. its becos this time, i committed a MAJOR fault and got 16 demerit pts.. as a major fault means immed fail.. hence a fail. And the reason was becos when the green arrow is flashing.. i shud have stopped! But what i did was.. i continued driving on.. so tester pull handbrake and i noe its.. GAME OVER!! =(
So wells.. waiting for my third attempt. Oh n btw, all the failures means i gotta re-clock the 200mins and 50km again! Dammn!! I hate it man! Can't imagine doing it with my DI.. but thats just a fact. I was with him for the re-clocking and just like any other lessons, he would F me upside down and all.. guess like he's given up hope on me.. haiz.. Oh and also, my bunk n unit mate, Ash also failed! (Lol, i sound happy eh?).. yeah thats becos i felt like having a company.. like somebody failing together with me.. although its not a good thing.. but at least i got some consolation knowing he failed.. but he is really a good driver i must say..
Now the next day, it was raining heavily. This was going to be my 3rd attempt already! GOSH!! And for the test, actually my DI has sort of hinted to me to take the test in the noon as the traffic is much lesser in the noon than in the day.. so i heede his advice all along.. but after failing for 2 times, and getting comments by some of them that said morning is actually not so bad.. afternoon got lunch break so its more packed and jammed.. it kind of psycho-ed me so i was thinking morning is better so yeah i decided to go for morning this time.. And guess wad?? I FAILED AGAIN!! =(( RAWR!! Reason? Partly becos it was raining heavily and also, i didn't drive that well as i thought i would.. perhaps lack of confidence.. so due to demerit pts again, i failed.. i still rmb how horrible the tester face was.. he gave me that look that im not up to it.. and sigh.. yes i admit im not up to it..
I got a call from my DI in the afternoon asking me whether im going for the test or not.. actually he at first tot i was going to take the noon test as he arranged for me.. but he didn't noe that i changed myself.. i took morning instead of noon.. so he was rather shocked and knowing i failed, he was even more angry.. and so no choice.. he gotta take me for re-clocking again.. This time, unlike most of the other re-clockings i done with him, he keep mum and just let me drive straight and all.. BUT BUT BUT.. this time he seemed to have a bit of hope in me.. machiam like 1% that kind.. he said, i actually can pass just that i need to be more aware in the traffic part.. thats wad he said to me last time.. he said my safety and control is gd, but traffic awareness is my weakness! And this time, he pointed out to me what are the mistakes i done wrong and corrected them on the spot.. After all that correction, i felt a sense of hope.. i felt relieved he still believe in me that i could do it so i told myself.. i must pass my 4th test as i dun wanna disappoint him and wanna prove to others that i can do it! So yeah.. go for my 4th test!!
This time, i took my FOURTH test!! 4 more times to go if i failed this one and i can say bye bye liao.. but no, i told myself.. i must succeed! Oh and btw, Ash passed during 3rd try.. so all in all i was even more upset.. but told myself not to give up.. so on to my 4th test.. this time i got a fairly good tester so i told myself i must do it!! As usual, the same thing i did for every other tests.. 3-point turn first then out to public.. and this time it was rather smooth except for one turning i turn quite sharp to the extent i almost hit the kerb.. oh gosh! I was panicky this time.. thinking i have hit the kerb and failed.. as the tester told me abt it.. But then i think.. maybe i still got hope so i try to perform well all the way towards the end.. and then when parking that time.. i was EXTREMELY NERVOUS!! Parking in the centre means game over.. parking in the other slots means im safe.. and so.. when the tester asked me to park at lot 40 sth.. THIS WAS IT!! OMG!! It was the SAFE slot!! So wells.. i was rather excited now.. and after having parked nicely and everything.. he then told me that just now i ALMOST HIT the kerb.. but i missed it by just 1cm.. machiam like the length of a thin layer of hair!! OMGGOODNESS!! I still can't believe it.. Of course.. happiness was written all over my face as i got off the vehicle and thank the tester.. I PASSED!! =)) At last!! I PASSED!! I GOT MY LICENSE!! WOOHOO~~~ It was a real delight!!! As there were still a handful who hasn't passed yet... so wells.. im lucky i passed..!!
Wow... looking back, i still rmb the whole duration of the test.. 45 mins! So long! And everything that happened..the whole scenario is still fresh in my mind.. But i must thank the tester partly cos he made me feel so comfortable as he was talking to me just like a friend! I felt good..therefore i perform well too! Nice tester he is really! I heard comments about him.. and i must really agree he's a nice but FAIR tester.. he said, if i had really hit the kerb, he would still fail me.. so i didn't and he passed me! So wells, this whole of my driving journey has come to an end. Not forgetting that day of my 4th test, my DI was sick so he couldn't make it.. actually at first i was asked to take the morning slot but as my DI has always said noon is the best.. so i stick to his advice and i fought for it.. becos this time my DI have no say on my test time.. so i fought for it myself.. the noon slot. Oh yes, after passing, was happy and all.. and thanked my DI thru an sms.. for guiding me and all, despite all his tough and harsh treatments. Maybe God is showing me that the process of working hard is not easy (harsh scoldings..etc) but the fruits of my labour will surely be sweet (Passing my TP is really sweet victory!!). Together with the determination and hardwork, one will eventually succeed.. which happens to me!
And, recently, i just got a conflict with Ash.. it lead to a cold war between me and him.. i dunno how its gg to turn out as we are all in the same camp and we'll see each other all the time.. Hmms..
Ok basically this was wad happened...
Still rmb the "Gong Tai Tai" thing?? Yes they keep on calling me that until it gets on my nerves already..but i din really bother much until that day... and it was on the same day i passed. First, they made comments that i passed by mere luck, cos they said my driving standards arent very gd, but i told them i passed thru my skills and tat i was a safe driver! They gave me that "smug" look which makes me kinda pissed.. nvm if they dun wanna believe.. i noe i passed by my own means can already..
But wad makes me more pissed is this.. they actually wanted to play a prank on me by locking the door while i was away.. So it turned out that Ash happened to go in, but he cud not as the door was locked.. and.. dunno y, but he go and used his body strength to push open the door, alas the door opened, but the door latch or lock dropped out.. and worse of all, they pushed the blame to me saying it was me who kicked the door and they told my IC abt it.
Then my IC go asked if i were the one who do it and i told him everything, the truth and all... After he learnt wad happened to me in the bunk, he went to my bunk and went to gave them a gd "lashing".. At tat pt of time, i felt great as i finally had my burdens lifted up.. But who noes, after my IC left, they were like not happy i go complain to my IC abt them, and they kinda like "shooting at me" but not openly.. just some murmur here and there.. So the next morning, they just nv talk to me.. i feel everything is no longer the same as before, perhaps they have already crossed over the line that i can't be frenly towards them anymore.. So, i requested to change bunk and thats when i moved over to another bunk and regained my peaceful stay for 1 night..
After this incident, Ash nv talked to me at all and treated me v coldly, cos he kept thinking im bad to tell my IC what they did to me.. i said i can't take it anymore so i told my IC.. he like show me attitude and dun wan to listen to me.. so now we just cold war and i dunno when its gg to end..
Ok now.. having passed my TP finally means i could go on to.. 5 TON MAN TRUCK!! Wooo~ But wait.. no?? There were news saying that all technicians were not required to learn MAN truck.. so it was called off.. OMG!! So that means.. its.. RTU (Return-To-Unit).. Return to Gedong for me!! Somehow these 2 mths.. long and short, kinda missed everything.. but wells.. no choice.. i wanted to go to man truck so much.. too bad gotta RTU..
Ohya, before i RTU.. went for my last driving.. the islandwide confidence driving.. also called IWCD in short.. from KBC all the way to Changi Naval base!! My oh my.. the distance is damn long!! And going only 50km/h means it takes longer to reach.. and we gotta drive both landrover and 3-tonner.. but its sort of like a free-driving.. cos we have passed so we can drive like professionals now! Haha!! It was FUN!! The feeling is GREAT!! Without having to be treated like a trainee and endure those scoldings and all.. Its just great great GREAT!! FUN is the only word i can say for IWCD.. But tiring also.. haha.. as i drove on landrover twice.. going and come back.. so yeah.. all in all i drove for 3 times! Plus tonner.. supposed to drive 2 but we short of 1 person so thus i had to drive one more..
OKOK i noe kinda long-winded.. if u had really read thru all the way until the end.. i really APPLAUD U!! Haha.. cos its not easy... i too long-winded liaos.. haha.. maybe can write novel le.. Ok la.. RTU lo.. Going back to gedong!! Good or bad? Dunno.. we'll see...
BYE!
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7th wk of Driving Course
Sunday, June 13, 2010
at
6:01 PM
Hmms.. isit the 7th wk of Driving Course already?? Time flies.. seeing that this course gonna end soon.. probably in a few more wks time.. i'll be back to my maintenance life in my unit again.. Awww..shrugs.. can't think abt it.. Well..
Let's cut things short. So this wk, had my TP.. and guess wad?? I failed. :( Yes, i failed.. :(!!! Arghhh!!! Dammit.. its not becos of major faults, but its cos of 22 demerit points.. anything more than 10 constitutes a fail. so yup. Anyways, i did my best so i can only say, i'll try harder next time. But before i can go for the next test, nd to clock 200 mins of driving and 50km!! AHH!! thats wad i hate most.. but no choice.. :( hope to pass the next test.. which is the 2nd!!
Secondly, its abt the ppl and all.. now my bunk is split into grps.. with those PSP-gamers united as one, 2 indian tamils as 1, then me, and 2 other guys are the ones that do not fit in to the groups.. but those 2 they have their own frens outside the bunks.. as for me, i have no one else.. just me alone.. so im kinda outcasted and left out.
Try to make frens and talk to ppl but dunno y, there's always a certain point i can reach.. its like, once i hit that point, my frenship level with the person stops.. its hard to evolve. Thats my weakness.. unable to carry the conversation well..
Another thing, some of the ppl, esp those in my bunk always like to make fun of me.. becos the tamil indian guy dunno how to pronounce my surname correctly, ended up they called me "Ah Tai".. (stupid name right.. i noe).. which further became.. "Gong Tai Tai".. as it was called by my unit fren, Ho. He created that name and all of a sudden, everyone calls me that.. i rly hate it lor.. u noe the meaning right.. it means silly.. and a bit of blur.. yeah, which kinda resembled who i am in army.. Slow and blur and everything.. DAMMIT. I rly hate myself in the army.. why must i be like this??
Got one incident, where my unit fren, Ash, put his bag on top of mine.. and cos i wanna get sth out of my bag, i nd to remove his bag away, so i took out his bag, and put it on the next bench with a "little bit of force".. but to him, im like "throwing it".. and wads more, it contained his PSP charger inside.. so he was kinda angry with me.. but then at this time, one of my coursemate, Sam.. saw it and he said it was not my fault that i "threw" it.. its cos his bag was on top of my bag so he said i had the right and asked me not to apologise.. i felt it was kinda true.. after so long, i have always been "under the foot of others".. its time to stand up for myself already i tot!! So i held up courage and said .. it wasn't my fault.. and as expected, a vehement arguement occurred which left to a cold war between me and Ash.. back in the bunk, he also treated me coldly.. i just ignored him and bear with it as i noe.. he always tends to treat me well when i am "under his foot".. i just feel so lowdown.. why must i go to this state?? I wanna stand up for my ownself and pride..
But sooner or later, as the next day awaits.. everything sunk in.. somehow he "forgave" me.. decided not to look on the matter and we became "normal frens" to where we were before again.. and thats the time where im "under his foot" again... kena laughed at and made fun of.. Gong Dai Dai.. that stupid name kept repeating in my ears.. sometimes i just hoped i cud shout and retort back at them.. but im just too timid and dun dare.. yeah i hate myself.. why am i so timid!!?? I rly hate myself!! I just wanted to shout back and ask them not to call me GTT anymore.. but cos im scared and dun dare, they just continued doing that... haiz, tell me wad shud i do, God.. shud i stand up for myself or continued to get "mocked" by them?? I feel like a weakling lor.. everyone look down on me.. haiz..
Im just such a weakling... hate myself to the core!!!! :(((((((((
Sometimes, i wanna scold back but just cannot get the wisdom to scold.. dunno wad words to scold and end up making a fool of myself.. so i rather not scold back at all.. hmmms.. wad shud i do... i wanna get respect from them... Sam told me that i have to earn respect by myself.. and thats to be firm when im right.. to stand up for my rights.. hmms.. guess i'll try it..
God, no matter wad.. help me by keeping me strong, noe how to defend myself, not let others bully me... God come and be my helper..
Alright enuf of all these sob stories.. i just wanna pass my TP and go to Man Truck course.. and perhaps finish the whole course ASAP.. sometimes i just wanna pass out of the course right away and dun wanna waste anymore time in it..
Ok fine.. thats the end.. cya.
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6th wk of Driving Course
Sunday, June 6, 2010
at
6:17 PM
Yes, hello im back again to update on the 6th week of my Driving Course.
This week, as usual, driving and parking test and also, cross country.
Basically on monday, went to take an internal driving assessment conducted by the individual DIs.. and so i went for the test and....failed, yes :(
Next, tues was parking test.. this was my worst cos i haven practised much.. when it was my turn, they changed the parking lot to left parallel parking.. i was like.. OMG!! I haven even learnt how to do it, not even practise. So wells, caught a few last min tips from my parking instructor and i tried to do it.. actually i almost succeeded..!! But.. stupid thing i hit the pole slightly so dammit.. failed! :(
Wed was cross country.. an experience of outfield driving and all.. for the whole day!! So many obstacles to go thru.. but it was fun.. esp driving the landrover up the slope.. Speeding!! So cool!! Yeah.. came back with sweat and shag-ness all written over the face..
Thurs, back to driving again and then, parking re-test for the failures.. This time i was determined to pass.. but count me lucky, cos i got a parking lot which i practised before so i was able to do it!! So lucky.. and yes, i passed finally!! :) So now, no more parking in future lo!! yeehah!
Okk.. basically wanna talk abt driving.. My driving is half-standard lah.. my DI said i can control the veh well and maintain safety, but one thing i lack is.. traffic awareness.. that requires observation.. cos sometimes i commit mistakes here and there due to traffic awareness.. damm.. i hate it lor!! Turn left, turn right.. Turn right, turn right.. makes me so confused.. and so afraid to cut into other ppl lane as well..
These few days when i drive, keep kena scolding by my DI.. he seem to become a changed person.. more heated up and angry and fierce.. like a monster. I now quite scared of him thats y everytime i drive i very stress.. must do perfect if not will sure kena scolding. :X But then, how can i not make mistakes?? Im not perfect.. i sure make mistake one.. so when i do, he will scold and scold.. very harshly.. got once he even throw something at me.. (F HIM!!) I very angry actually.. wanna scold back, but didn't.. i hate it lor.. can't he let me drive properly?? This is wad i face all the time... scoldings and scoldings non-stop!!!!
On sat, it was even worst.. tot bkout day i shud be fine but who noes, on the start, i already did some mistakes, plus, his mood was bad.. so... he really EXPLODED this time.. after he exploded, i tried to do everything nice nice and dared not make any more mistakes.. only when gg back that time.. PARKING!!! This is the worst of my worst.. i can't do the parking very nice wan.. always need time to adjust here and there.. and his presence in the car make me even more stressed and tensed.. So this was wad i did.. like usual, i reverse the veh.. until suddenly he ask me to stop.. then guess wad???
He put his face near my ear and then he shouted SUPER LOUD.. CI BAI!! inside my ear!!! FUCK HIM!!! Im not deaf okay!!! Why must scold so loud.. so fucking loud that everyone in the training shed can hear it.. fuck man!! It was my mistake la.. i forgot to check left mirror (thats my mistake all the time)... but why must he shout at my ear?? FUCK HIM LA!! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! I damn pissed off lor... but just control only... fucking embarrassed lor.. den after several tries, i still cannot make it.. then he said, he dun wan to waste his fucking time anymore so he asked me off engine and fuck off...
Nowdays, he's getting more and more heated up... i am (more and more) scared of him liaoz... but he's truly a fucker lor... scold and scold so loud.. FUCK!!!! I hate it lah!!!
Nvm, just gonna bear with it for another 2-3 more days cos TP will be on wed.. and hopefully i pass TP, then dun have to see his face anymore!!! I dun wanna see him anymore!!!! I want to pass TP asap!!!! I dun wanna see him anymoer!!!!!!!!!
Actually, to say so, he's a gd DI la.. but his methods sometimes not v gd, and his temper problem.. flare up easily.. if only he can control his temper... but he can't.. too bad..
Anyway, i'll just put up with him until TP starts... hope i do a nice one... so yeah... thats how my driving story is... everyday kena F and scoldings... thats y i fucking hate driving... i tot driving shud be fun and all?? Nvm, pass TP and i can drive however i wan also no one care.. But, i must pass TP first la.. so.... I MUST PASS TP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok la.. say so much le... on to the friends part...
Friends wise.. in my bunk, i can say no one is close to me at all... i just try to mix ard with them.. but somtimes they also not very nice to me.. when i do some wrong mistake, they will make a joke out of it and laugh.. haiz.. kinda used to being laughed at already so no big deal to me... i just wish for a better day everyday and hopefully i can get to make at least a few close frens in this course before it ends.. but currently, its hard to do so and i dun think i can find any..
Its just so sad not to have any close frens at all in the course... i rly wish to have one... haiz..
Okok.. enuf of sob stories le... gtg eat dinner already.. mum is nagging!!
Cya..!
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5th wk of Driving Course (Part II)
Sunday, May 30, 2010
at
5:30 PM
Oh wow.. its already 530pm, which means i still got abt 2 more hrs to enjoy b4 bk in.. :( so sad.. life in the civilian world nv lasts more than 24 hrs for me.
And this wkend my civi life just got worse.. cos i got "confined", not the real confinement, its i auto-confine at home.. resting at home cos of my sicknesses.. Started since thurs night when i just bk out from camp.. tot can enjoy 1 day before gg back but who noes? Kena this stupid Fever+Cough+Flu combo! Damn.. i became a patient for that night. It became worse the next day that i had to call daddy to fetch me to the nearest hospital cos no clinics were open during PH. Therefore, i went to NUH A&E to get myself checked. After everything was done, the only thing i knew was... no mc.. wtf!! lol.. i wanted mc so can rest at hm.. bt the doc said i looked fine so she din give me mc.. damn! So i lan lan gotta bk in camp tt night. Bked in wif a heavy heart.. tt night also din slp well.. finally sat bk out and back to home as a patient all the way till now :(
Ok, so let me begin from the start...
Firstly, i finally passed my HSP on the 4th attempt!! Yes!! So happy!! As most ppl already passed on the 3rd.. so i was aiming to pass it by the 4th try.. and i rly did!! Thank God!! The boards were rather easy and tester gave a bit of chance so i cud pass.. haha.. finally!! I can "so-called forget" abt the HSP stuffs and all.. dun have to give a damn abt it anymore.. as its so stressifying to think abt them all the time.. So well, i passed! Still got a few who failed.. so im rly thankful that i passed!! :)
Secondly, my driving.. is still not very gd.. and each time i commit a mistake which i not supposed to, my DI will f me.. and i will get more panicked and commit another mistake.. one after another.. haiz.. wish i cud drive freely on the road without him nagging at me but its inevitable.. hmm.. this wk just started to drive 200 mins.. its rly very TIRING!! 100 mins already enuf for me to bear.. another 100 mins... its rly killing me!! Okays i noe im slow therefore i nd to work extra harder.. practise more.. but ppl is practice makes perfect, i is the other way round, practise too much becomes worse, until the extent my DI wanna gave up on me, he said he dun wan care anymore le.. let me "die".. fail the test.. ohhh shucks.. i guess i already blew him off this time.. wondering wad shud i do now.. hmphs.. TP is just ard the corner.. i must pass the TP in order to get the license i've long been awaiting for!! So pls!! God show some miracle so i can pass TP!!
Thirdly, Parking 3 TON is soooo not easy!! As 3 ton is bigger and longer.. harder to control too.. wells, i din have enuf practise in parking thats y.. cos everytime 200 mins driving, not enuf time to practise parking.. and the worst is, i have parking test on tues!! Gosh!! Monday sure stay back to do parking liao.. haven done any parallel yet.. must go do one on Mon and make sure i done all the parking lots and hopefully can pass the test on Tues!! Hee..
Lastly, my circle of frens in this course is still not that big and i dun really have a buddy too. I wish to have a buddy whom i can share and relate with throughout the course but it seems so impossible. Im like so outcast in my bunk.. trying to mix with them yet can't.. haiz.. blame it on my slow responsiveness.. i hate myself for being slow response.. dunno wad to talk at times.. just stare at blank wall..
Now, i still have a bit of cough and runny nose.. so irritating!! hate cough especially!! continuous cough is very painful.. there was once i kept coughing non-stop.. so terrible!! i so scared i can't stop coughing anymore.. but whew, lucky i din.
K lahs, its getting late oredi.. time to pack up and prepare for bk in... cya'll next sat.. hope to come back with gd news.. pass TP and parking!!
Alrights, sayonara~
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5th week of Driving Course (Part I)
at
12:17 PM
Yes, im back.. to update abt my 5th week in this Driving Course..
Firstly i tot the week would be short, cos fri was a public holiday, so i tot we can bk out on thurs night (most prob) and bk in on sunday night and can enjoy a long wkend.. But, i was wrong.. SAF is so fucked up.. Sat is still a half day, so wad they did was let us off on thurs night, and bk in on fri night.. den on sat afternoon, bk out again.. and bk in back on sun night.. WTH.. Even half day also wan to count!! Its like machiam no public holiday like dat.. and btw, most of my free days were spent recuperating at home.. why? Cos of the stupid sicknesses... flu, fever, cough, sore throat and all again.. i rly hate to be sick.. Then on fri, i cud not take it anymore, so went to hospital cos of my high fever.. but damn, the doc said i looked fine and dun wanna giv me MC.. so i lan lan have to go back camp tt night.. sucks.. when i slp my forehead was burning hot!! Hate it manz.. finally ate the panadol tablets before i slp.. at least feel better..
Yeah, and now.. i feel much better, fever gone le.. BUT, the irritating runny nose and cough is still there!! Arghhh... hate it much much much!!
Oks, enuf abt sicknesses... lets talk abt the course program..
As i was saying i was so scared of failing my HSP for the 4th time again... and guess wad?? I PASSED in the 4th attempt!! Yay.. lol.. actually, i was rly nervous and scared.. and this time, i told myself, i wanna be the LAST to go in.. as most of the time i was among the first few to go, and kena "kicked out" so fast.. so this time i wanna be the "last one standing".. and yeah, i was one of the last few to go in.. and, faced with a serious looking tester... and, i was the first to be tested among 2 of us who went in..
When i saw that he straightaway ticked me for 2 boards, i told myself.. this is my chance to score.. i must not lose it!! So well, first board he took out was... the uncontrolled cross junction.. haha, that one was easy.. i done pretty well.. BUT BUT BUT.. forgot to confirm one thing.. so damn, but lucky he gave chance.. he only said if i din confirm 1 more time, he will penalise me.. :( so wells..
Next board was roundabout... haha.. easy one too... i did everything nicely and so he passed me for the board.. Last board was accident!! AHHH.. that is my main weakness... and sure enuf, he failed me cos i forgot to beware the most impt thing... ahh!! Ok nvm, 1 down..still got 2 more to go... but then.. he nv took out anymore boards, he then gave me a bonus question.. and i answered correctly.. then.. TADA!! I saw my paper got a BIG P with a circle.. means PASSED!! I PASSED!! OMG OMG.. i still can't believe it man.. i was really damn happy... walked out of the room so happily... hahahaha... just can't contain the happiness inside me.. even my theory instructor also congratulated me!! WOW... lol.. so yes, i finally passed HSP!! Which isn't very easy.. as still got a number of ppl who failed even up till now.. thank goodness i passed!!
Nex up is ... my practical... driving!! Ahhhh... thats my weak spot.. and this wk just started 200 mins driving.. which is rly very tiring!! All the way till last day which is wednesday.. i kinda committed a few mistakes and made my DI so mad, that he said he wanna gave up on me alrdy.. so he nt gonna teach me anymore.. he just let me be free... i dunno if its a gd thing or not.. but i think of coz not a gd thing cos test is just ard the corner.. so maybe i'll still have to put up with his harsh scoldings and all for 1 more wk and after i passed the test, i can no nd see him anymore.. ahh.. AJA AJA FIGHITNG!! Keep it coming!! I will hang on...
Lastly, is also my weakest link... PARKING!! Parking with a 3 TONNER is rly NOT AN EASY FEAT!!! And and, i missed out so many parking lessons due to my 200 mins driving... damn... i din do any parallel parking at all... if test come out, i sure die!! So wells.. gotta train hard and practise hard too.. but there's not enuf time... haiz.. next tues is parking test already.. i guess i'll have to stay back on mon to practise hard.. i will do it!! I will pass!!
Last but not least, 2 tests coming up next wk.. they are.. the TP (Traffic Police) which is the REAL DRIVING ASSESSMENT TEST and the PARKING TEST... these 2 tests are of equal importance.. as once i passed both of them, i'll get my military license!! So pls!! Let me pass thru this LAST 2 HURDLES!!! I wanna get that LICENSE!!! Then can show off when i go back to Gedong camp!! yeah.. haha!! OKOK.. LICENSE!!!!!!
Next up, the emotional part... recently, my fren (e one who came with me from the same unit).. let me read an sms.. it was an sms sent by his unit MSG.. so gd lor his MSG still care for him.. mine leh?? They dun even bother to send me an sms.. guess they also forget abt mi liaoz.. wadever la.. i also heck care.. i wanna change section when i go back!! Dunno can anot.. sick n tired of BX liao.. :(
The friends part... ok la, just talk a bit more and open up more but still not that close to many of them yet.. and well, gotta tolerate some of their "making fun of me" times.. i rly hate it when they make fun of me.. like sometimes i did some mistake, they will use it to play ard... haiz, rly hate it.. ok lor, just laugh it off... once they get over it, its ok...
And, i find wad my group IC (Ilmi) said is true.. i rly need a buddy, someone whom i can relate and talk to during in camp... then i can quit my slowness, blurness, and all my bad habits.. but but but, where and who wanna be my buddy?? Its not easy to find a buddy unless u can click very well with him.. In my bunk, its just me and that unit fren of mine.. whom i claim as "buddy" cos sometimes he gd to me, but sometimes not so gd.. ahhh, just gotta live with it.. i feel sometimes i also have no pride at all.. where's the manhood in me and everything?? No confidence at all... i noe i nd a buddy... but its not easy... and still, i hate my slow response too..
Ok lah.. shall end here for now.. 2 more wks in KBC before gg to MAN Truck (5 TON) and OUV... i will pass out from this course successfully and gracefully!!!
Bye for now..
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4th week of Driving Course
Saturday, May 22, 2010
at
4:59 PM
Ello dudes n dudettes.. its me again updating on my 4th week in this Driving Course..
Just a flashback..
The day i came into the course was 27 Apr.. and now its almost 1 mth since im in the course. So..time really flies!! Still got another 2-3 more wks before i can finally pass out (hopefully!).. as its not easy.. then RTU to Gedong again!!
Well.. so how's the 4th week of driving.. let me conclude it here..
Basically, i went to retake my Public Rd Assessment again (as i said i failed on sat) on monday.. guess wad? I failed!! :(.. nvm, retake again on Tues.. still failed!! :((.. Wed.. my FOURTH attempt.. lol.. this time finally PASSED!! Whewwww.. only left me and 1 more guy haven passed up till the 4th attempt.. so yeah both of us finally passed! But its not a gd feeling to fail 3 times consecutively of course..
Another test which i failed 3 times is my HSP test!! Arghhh!!! First and second time failed cos i wasnt very ready n tester was a tough one.. The 3rd was supposedly an easy one.. but i did a careless mistake and the 1st 2 boards he gave me was sth which i nv do before.. so.. POOM!! Failed again :(((.. Most ppl already passed by now, but i still haven.. rly feel very down n demoralised... Arghhh.. when can i pass my HSP!!!!??? Another bad thing is, when i tell my theory instructor abt my score, he wasn't shocked. He already expected me to fail, cos he said i nv practice much at all.. yes but at least i did practise only he din see.. but den he kinda not happy with me lidat.. its like i deserve to fail.. he also wun lend me a hand.. i think i just have to rely on myself to pass HSP le.. :(
OKKK.. enough abt the course curriculum... so far i haven talk much abt the inner stuffs.. so yeah..
Well, generally my bunk mates are still quite friendly n nice, except for a minority.. And also becos of my slow n blur~ many tends to see me in a negative way. :( Gossips and rumours also spread very fast like fire... some mistakes i did wrong during driving was also kena spread throughout the whole bunk n group.. make me so malu lor!! But nvm, i just let it go..
Within the course, there are still some nice ppl whom i mix ard with but still not too close to them yet..
So all in all, u can still say im a loner... perhaps i jus dun hav the ability to socialise well with ppl and get to noe them in greater depth..
Oyes, back to course curriculum... after i passed my Public assessment.. i then began to drive a 3 TONNER!! That's way bigger n harder than the landrover i was driving previously.. but well, im still learning now.. so can't say much, but actually i think its rather easy n better to drive than landrover.. hmm.. tats wad i feel.
Thats abt all.... still feeling upset abt my failing HSP... damn!!!
I dunno wad i shud do if i rly fail my HSP the 4th time... ooc?? rly dunno... but then return to gedong with nth is like so paiseh also.. i wanna return with a license at least!! Hmm.. kinda missed my gedong days... shiong but stay-out..
But this environment im in now is not totally bad... slack but stressed.. and stay-in.. haha so contradicting.. this is more on MENTAL stress.. gedong is PHYSICAL stress... both are different kinds of STRESS.. k la.. yeah, but driving rly damn stressed lor.. not easy sia.. esp need to change up/down gears while travelling on the roads.. paying attention to ur surroundings.. its rly like MULTI-TASKING!!! U do so many things in one go... so driving is rly not easy...
K bah, shud end here liao...
Oya, got a new mp3 which i bought at SLS last wk.. but damn i din charge full batt..so only very little batt left and pooom.. batt flat... :( k la, now go charge it and slp le.. bbz!
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