Let's cut things short. So this wk, had my TP.. and guess wad?? I failed. :( Yes, i failed.. :(!!! Arghhh!!! Dammit.. its not becos of major faults, but its cos of 22 demerit points.. anything more than 10 constitutes a fail. so yup. Anyways, i did my best so i can only say, i'll try harder next time. But before i can go for the next test, nd to clock 200 mins of driving and 50km!! AHH!! thats wad i hate most.. but no choice.. :( hope to pass the next test.. which is the 2nd!!
Secondly, its abt the ppl and all.. now my bunk is split into grps.. with those PSP-gamers united as one, 2 indian tamils as 1, then me, and 2 other guys are the ones that do not fit in to the groups.. but those 2 they have their own frens outside the bunks.. as for me, i have no one else.. just me alone.. so im kinda outcasted and left out.
Try to make frens and talk to ppl but dunno y, there's always a certain point i can reach.. its like, once i hit that point, my frenship level with the person stops.. its hard to evolve. Thats my weakness.. unable to carry the conversation well..
Another thing, some of the ppl, esp those in my bunk always like to make fun of me.. becos the tamil indian guy dunno how to pronounce my surname correctly, ended up they called me "Ah Tai".. (stupid name right.. i noe).. which further became.. "Gong Tai Tai".. as it was called by my unit fren, Ho. He created that name and all of a sudden, everyone calls me that.. i rly hate it lor.. u noe the meaning right.. it means silly.. and a bit of blur.. yeah, which kinda resembled who i am in army.. Slow and blur and everything.. DAMMIT. I rly hate myself in the army.. why must i be like this??
Got one incident, where my unit fren, Ash, put his bag on top of mine.. and cos i wanna get sth out of my bag, i nd to remove his bag away, so i took out his bag, and put it on the next bench with a "little bit of force".. but to him, im like "throwing it".. and wads more, it contained his PSP charger inside.. so he was kinda angry with me.. but then at this time, one of my coursemate, Sam.. saw it and he said it was not my fault that i "threw" it.. its cos his bag was on top of my bag so he said i had the right and asked me not to apologise.. i felt it was kinda true.. after so long, i have always been "under the foot of others".. its time to stand up for myself already i tot!! So i held up courage and said .. it wasn't my fault.. and as expected, a vehement arguement occurred which left to a cold war between me and Ash.. back in the bunk, he also treated me coldly.. i just ignored him and bear with it as i noe.. he always tends to treat me well when i am "under his foot".. i just feel so lowdown.. why must i go to this state?? I wanna stand up for my ownself and pride..
But sooner or later, as the next day awaits.. everything sunk in.. somehow he "forgave" me.. decided not to look on the matter and we became "normal frens" to where we were before again.. and thats the time where im "under his foot" again... kena laughed at and made fun of.. Gong Dai Dai.. that stupid name kept repeating in my ears.. sometimes i just hoped i cud shout and retort back at them.. but im just too timid and dun dare.. yeah i hate myself.. why am i so timid!!?? I rly hate myself!! I just wanted to shout back and ask them not to call me GTT anymore.. but cos im scared and dun dare, they just continued doing that... haiz, tell me wad shud i do, God.. shud i stand up for myself or continued to get "mocked" by them?? I feel like a weakling lor.. everyone look down on me.. haiz..
Im just such a weakling... hate myself to the core!!!! :(((((((((
Sometimes, i wanna scold back but just cannot get the wisdom to scold.. dunno wad words to scold and end up making a fool of myself.. so i rather not scold back at all.. hmmms.. wad shud i do... i wanna get respect from them... Sam told me that i have to earn respect by myself.. and thats to be firm when im right.. to stand up for my rights.. hmms.. guess i'll try it..
God, no matter wad.. help me by keeping me strong, noe how to defend myself, not let others bully me... God come and be my helper..
Alright enuf of all these sob stories.. i just wanna pass my TP and go to Man Truck course.. and perhaps finish the whole course ASAP.. sometimes i just wanna pass out of the course right away and dun wanna waste anymore time in it..
Ok fine.. thats the end.. cya.
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