Winzzy's World Of Thoughts

Becos humans are all "feel-able" creatures.. we do have feelings.. everyone has. I just can't control myself at times.. but to switch to that emotional side of me again. I really dunno why.. things have changed, people have changed, everyone have changed. They are not the same anymore.. Perhaps its just hard to maintain a long term friendship when ur not even close to someone in the first place.

All this while, i have been living in hurts and hurts.. from sec sch to poly to even now.. army.. but all these hurts does not come from whatever sources.. they come from people. People whom i met all throughout in my life.. i dun wish to recall them anymore.. those were the unhappy experiences.

So now, wad am i gg to say? I felt like im in that same "situation" whereby im beginning to lose trust in ppl again.. that kind of helpless feeling.. insecurity that followed me since.. Maybe its becos i dunno how to conversate with ppl? I dun seem to click with any of them? Perhaps im just a un-sociable and nv-will-get-along-with-anyone kind of person.

Felt like going to another world.. another place out there and start a new life on my own. Perhaps i will live like that in solace forever..

I went to download a song that is about 8mb on my phone.. and spent abt 10-15 mins using the internet. Then when i went online on my com to check the charges.. it was 0.01 cents/2kb.. after i checked my usage on the internet.. it was 10.61mb.. so after i did my calculations.. to my horror!! It was 54.34!! Thats the price that i have to pay! OMG.. its horrendous!! Not convinced, i called the singtel customer care hotline and then it was confirmed.. its true!! OMG!! I didnt noe about such thing at first.. i tot it wun costs that much to surf the internet on the phone.. cos like in previous years.. i did surf and the amt was never more than 10 bucks! But this time, i used only abt 10mb.. and it amounts to $54!! OMGOSH!! I was really aghast.. but too bad the singtel staff can;t do anything abt it.. so means i had to pay for my ignorance and foolishness..

Felt damn stupid and heartbroken.. to spend $54 just over one song which i could get it from the internet using my com and transfer to my phone.. i guess im just too "rich".. like to throw my $$ away.. lol.. no of coz not!! This was done in a "unconscious" state of mind.. but wads done is done.. no pt crying over spilt milk now.. just felt bad cos my dad always say money is hard to earn.. yet i just spend it away like that.. !! Over a song!! I really deserve a good scolding from my dad for it.. for not internalising the phrase into my head.. Whenever i think abt the money he makes are those which are gained from his hardwork.. "blood sweat money".. it really pains me that why am i spending all the "blood sweat money" that my dad earned so hard like water..

I guess i only have myself to blame for this matter... A heavy price for a lesson learnt.. Next time better not use my phone to surf net anymore.. maybe just use wifi..

The explanation:

Like the sky will not forever be blue always.. On cloudy days you will look up.. (Just like happiness will not last forever, there's also the unhappy times that i will have to go thru and face up to it)

Passing by so many villages.. Laughed and cried.. A few people loved me (After going through the many ups and downs in life, i realised only a few truly cared for me)

i want a clock with its numbers jumbled up.. i want to be a person that is opposite of me.. (How i wish time would just stop at that moment where im truly feeing happy and blessed.. where i can be totally carefree.. the opposite of me.. carefree side of me..)

i work so hard in this world for what.. making myself so tired (What am i working so hard for? Do i get any reward from this? No i dun.. i only make myself more and more tired..)

i have a pair of ears that don't listen to orders.. to enjoy the happiness and freedom in me.. (How i wish i dun have to listen to all those unhappy stuff that i dun wan to hear and think about those unhappy things in life.. just continue to enjoy the freedom and happiness that is in me)

i want to become a transparent rock.. i wont move and wont feel any pain (I just want to become "transparent" to the world, dun wish to care about anything so i wont get hurt)

like a tyre used for so long until it has no more air left.. forgive me as i wanna disappear for weeks (I dun think i have anymore "stamina" to go on already.. i just wish to take a break from all these "chaos")

everybody is walking on their own good chosen path.. truthfully speaking i wanna call for help.. (Seeing everyone is so successful in their lives, i can't help feeling envious about them.. and i wanna be like them too.. become successful... but just dunno who to turn to for help..)

And well, of coz.. its the former rather than the latter.. which is my mc will be extended.... for another 2 mths. GOsh! So long right! On one hand, yes im glad that i have another extension, but the other hand, i also feel sad cos i can't go out, have to stay home for another 2 more mths, which is hell load boring! Omy omy.. why why why.. did i end up like this? Prob God saw me toiling for abt 1 yr for ns, so he wanted me to have a gd rest.. but.. well.. i just hope i can get well soon.. I would rly love to go out n see the world again.. Oh and btw, that doctor who attended to me is a different one from the last time.. he's sort of strict and keeps telling me not to put my leg on the floor which i did the last time as i tot i was abt to recover.. well, i dunno what to do, who to listen.. is it the prev doctor who said i can put my leg on the floor or isit this one?? Haiz..

I guess this "transition period" is sort of an eye-opener to me too.. like i realised many things throughout this period when i was home-ridden. The phrase, "a friend in need is a friend indeed" truly comes alive.. Saying is easy, but doing is difficult. When a friend is really in need, do we really go and help him/her? It lets me see what kind of friends i have.. the true ones, the goody-goody ones, or the casual hi bye ones.. Truly, how far a person will go to care for a person depends on his own genuine love and care for the person. If a person truly cares for another person, he will no matter wad extend and reach out to him for the furthest he can go. So it all boils down to that thought and concern, whether is it genuine or not. Saying can be easy.. saying "i care for u in my heart".. yes its so easy anybody can say it.. but what about doing it?? Its a different thing altogether.. I guess, this is all about our self thinking and perception.. whether we really perceive that him/her as a true fren or not.

Ppl say, making friends is easy.. but maintaining them is difficult.. Really, it takes a lot of time and effort to nurture and maintain the friendship. Sometimes, some friendships might just fade away and new ones might be formed again and again.. So yup, thats about friendship.

Generally, the same routine.. eat sleep play eat sleep play... is always what im doing. (in short).. kinda used to this lifestyle already.. so good ah.. no need to do anything, no need to worry at all.. But... my this "sort of good" lifestyle is coming to an end soon.. as this thurs is the last day of my mc, and also my appt date with the doc at the hospital.

It is just this uncertainty feeling whether the doc will extend my mc anot.. otherwise i have to go back to that dreaded same old boring workplace again! Ohh.. its been quite some time since i've been there.. so dunno how is it gonna be like when im gg back there again.. Anyways, i think chances are the doc might extend my mc cos i can't walk perfectly yet.. and also, i need time to adjust.. so pretty need a few more weeks extension maybe. Anyways, just hate this uncertainty feeling... arghhh!!

It all boils down to that fall.. Why why why!! God why must u let me fall??!! Its so painful and now the recovery is even more painful and boring too.. God, why.. when i just abt to change my section and see my ns life getting changed.. this has to happen to me.. Now im as gd as dead. Cant go anywhere at all.. Im feeling v despair now.. Now that the fall has resulted in this fracture, it will nv be complete again.. Future life awaits more complications for me.. How i wish i can just end my life like this now.. then dun have to worry so much more.. God, perhaps u shudn't brought me into this world.. u brought me in here and let me suffer so much.. i dun wan to stay here anymore.. Damn. Getting so disappointed with ppl, life and all... There's nth much for me to look forward to..

Even after ns life.. i also can't seem to see where my life will go to.. now during ns, also can't do much... damnnnn... why has my life become like this?? GOD!!! Come n change my life!! I can't stand this anymore!!

One more thing i hate the fact im "crippled" now.. yes wadever u call it.. can't walk long distances, can't eat my fav food and drinks, cant go places.. cant do wadever i want!!! Arghhh!! Damnnnn... walking is such a big misery to me!!

God, are u there with me?? Where are u when i needed u?? Why din u watch me and prevent me from the fall?? What do u want me to gain from having this fall?? Tell me!!!

I feel so lifeless now... Sometimes dun even feel like getting up anymore.. maybe just let me die. I dun have the energy to continue anymore..

Disappointments one after another.... having someone close to ur side is jsut so hard.. wanna go back to those good old days and times of mine... damn!! WHY!!! Now, after that fall.. my life is nothing but pitch black!! My social life also becomes lesser due to the fact i can't meet up with ppl.. so many loss rather than gain!! GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im crying out to u now.... tell me what i shud do!!!!

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.........

I simply dun get it.. my house becoming a hotel now!! Damned!!

Cos.. of my sis!! She likes to bring frens home.. and now they playing mj in my house.. so late at night u noe?? I wan to slp also cannot!!

Its not that i dun like her to bring her frens.. but.. our house not big lor, not bungalow or wad.. and she bring so many machiam like party.. crazy lor.. i hate crowds.. i'll get "scared" seeing so many ppl lor..

I simply dun get it.. why must she be so nice to her frens in the expense of sacrificing our family?? Is frens so impt to her that she can forgo the family for her frens? To me, i wun.. ok it depends.. to those whom i regard as true frens, maybe i wud.. but those casual frens, i will nv.. I just dun get it.. she prioritise her frens in front of family.. I noe frens r impt, but also dun have to everytime give in to them wad.. she always give in to them.. see lah.. they playing mj so happily in my hse now.. noisy lor..

Yeah i just dunno why she likes to invite frens home and treat them as "gold".. My house isn't a house anymore.. its become a hotel where ppl come and go as they please.. Where's the basic house rules we ought to have in the traditional old days? No wonder they say, ppl change.. generation changes ppl... I hate this generation of ppl!! I wanna go back to the old tradition again!! Yes i mean it!! I dun like this new generation at all..

Ok i shud stop here now.. hopefully i'll feel better after writing all this down.. peace.