Update for november

Sunday, November 14, 2010 at 11:52 PM
Wow, its november already. Here's some updates.. but first, there's sth i wanna rant about.. and that's my laptop! Yeah, i think its kinda dying on me already. First, the screen keep flickering non-stop, and now.. the charger got problem! DANG!!~ Rmb i said the charger which i put the black tape on? At first it does work, but after a while, it doesn't seem to work already.. i have to pull and push the wire at a desired postion to make sure the charging light lights up.. man its so troublesome! Too bad my warranty's over, can't get a free replacement charger. :( Oh wells.. just see if it got sold outside or not.. but it'll be a while before i could step outside though. So, just gotta try and tahan with this for a while. I think my lappy's really dying liao.. can't wait to get a new one.. but.. no $$!! :(( Thinking abt the fact my dad bought my sis her new laptop makes me go green.. i noe he wun buy for me one lah.. haiz.. will have to make do with this old lappy of mine until i have enuf $$ to buy a new one. :X

Okays, lets talk about my condition now. Went for my review as stated and this time, it was slightly gd and bad news. Gd news is, the doctor say i can put abt 50% of my weight onto my left leg and can try walking with one crutch instead of two. So i've been practising recently, and it does pretty fine.. only i have to walk a bit slowly and like a bit unsteady. Bad news is, i got a shorter mc this time.. ok initially i have a thinking that i might get at least 2 mths of mc again as i feel i haven recovered yet and still nd more time, but then the doc says my condition looks well so he gave me only 1 mth. Im not trying to drag my mc, but i just feel i still nd more time to recover fully.. given my current condition n i still can't walk without crutches yet. Nvm, there's still another review, and tats the last day of my mc.. which means i have to extend it again most likely.

So regarding my condition, i would say its slightly better now. I can walk with one crutch but slowly.. still need more practise. Just when i was optimistic about my recovery, sth happened ytd. I stepped on the floor with my left foot.. but dunno y, i felt some kind of crack on my foot.. like a litle sprain or sth. And even now the pain still haven subside.. hope its not the bones break or wad.. dad says bones cannot break so easily one.. so i hope its just a minor sprain and the pain will go away soon after applying the medicated oil onto it. Hopefully tmr the pain will go away so i can go back to practise walking again.

And now putting things aside, just wanna share some of my thoughts. To some ppl, i might appear to be a bit "cold and unfeeling" when it comes to texting and replying msgs. First of all, i wanna say im not a person who will take the iniative. Im not trying to purposely wait for ppl to approach me or wad, but its just not me. Maybe its due to the hurts i accumulated over the last few years that i have seen enough of ppl already.. so now i start to be more wary and doubtful of ppl, unable to put my trust in them again. But, being a passive person does not mean im bad, and tat doesnt mean i dun care abt ppl ard me anymore. I still care.. in my heart, but i just dun say it out.

Secondly, when it comes to replying msgs, sometimes i take a bit of time to reply, its not bcos i purposely drag and wait until the last min to do so.. cos i have this so-called "words constipation". I dunno wad to reply at all. So i have to think for a while before i can reply. This is the same for me when it comes to talking, for certain ppl and certain time. Mostly is in the army, many at times i just dunno wad to say that will make it feel right for everybody. And some ppl say i am "slow in my thinking". Maybe its cos due to those hurts, i hav become more closed up and reserved, not talking very often, thus losing the sense of talking n so i dun even noe wad to talk abt at times.

Sometimes, i dun even noe how to express myself.. and often make a fool out of myself.. feel so embarrassed. I wanna be confident and to be able to like "overlook" everything.. just simpy dun care and be myself.. but i just can't. This is just me. I am just who i am. Accept what u cannot change, change what u cannot accept. But i think the former is more logical.

Ok thats all i have to say... i noe i always write long n draggy posts.. perhaps its just me.. and my TTM (think too much) inspiration that helped me to write such a long essay.. enough to make into a novel liao.. Wow, i think if i were to publish all my thoughts and opinions i written here on my blog into a book, it can really become a novel and a book with at most a hundred pages. Hmm.. idea.. kk, tata!

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Food for thoughts

Friday, October 29, 2010 at 12:36 AM
I've changed my blog song again! This time, its the song called Just The Way You Are by Bruno Mars. Damn, im so in love with this song!! Nice, soothing, lovely, amazing.. its just "heavenly". Oh, so beautiful. And the lyrics are well-written too. Its now no. 1 on my playlist and i can listen to this song hundred times without getting bored of it. Recently, i just started listening to eng songs.. and im beginning to become an eng pop fan already rather than mandarin pop fan. Previously, there arent many eng songs in my mp3 player. But right now, i have like a plentiful! Such as teenage dream, california gurls, impossible, baby, take it off and many more.. Man, i think i love eng songs more than mandarin songs now! Oh but when i hear some new mandarin songs played by my sis, i get interested and went to look for them. So there's also a few chinese songs on my list. And one of my favourites is Elva's Cuo De Ren. This song is very emotional and feeling.

Okok, enough about songs.. im too crazy about them..lol. Anyway, my sis just left for bangkok this morning. I feel like going overseas too! When can i do that?? Have to wait for my injury to recover first.. dunno how long it will take. Each time i visit the doctor, they will only tell me they have to wait and see if the bone is properly intact before they can allow me to go for physiotherapy. Its been a long time already. I rly dun wish to wait anymore. I just want to start physio so i can start walking asap!

Its been 3-4 mths since im stuck at home. During this period, i feel like im just living in solitude, although i have parents to talk to. But when they're not around, life just revolves around me and me alone. Im just so lonely. Hmm, it feels like im stuck in a time trap during this 3-4 months period. Although time seems to be moving, but it has stopped for me. Im just like stuck in a timeless environment. Where nothing seems to move at all. Everything has frozen. My life is just like plain water. Same old routines everyday. Before that, my life isn't aint that colourful either. Apart from work, there's also nth much i can do. The good thing is, at least i could busy myself with work and nd to think abt so much things and there's ppl to talk to in camp so i won't feel lonely too. But now, its just me, myself and i. Its such a cold feeling. Maybe im destined to live a life like this. Im kinda used to it already. Perhaps it'll nv change.

Sometimes i ask myself, why am i born this way? Why can't i be like other people who can crack jokes, be funny or know wad to say at the right time? Forget it, im just not born a linguistic person. I dont even know how to express myself now. I wish i am just like an operating system, programmed to do what people wants me to do. So i need not think abt wad to do at times. Its so frustrating not knowing what to do at times.

Ok tats all.. will be going for my review this coming mon. Damn sian, have to go thru the x-rays and all the procedures again.. Hopefully i can start physio soon.. so i can start walking and go back to my normal life.. alrite, i'll end here.. bye.

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Its October!

Thursday, October 21, 2010 at 12:32 AM
Been quite a while since i last updated. Before i start, i really hate the flickering screen that i am seeing right now.. Yes its my laptop's LCD screen. It keeps flickering non-stop. Gosh.. its driving me crazy.. *hits hard on the laptop's back* yeah thats wad i did.. grrr.. cos im rly angry with it for flickering non-stop.. and i do not noe how to stop it.. mannn.. i guess its telling me that it wanna retire already.. Anyway, this laptop's been with me for almost 4 years, since the day i bought it at 2006. And that was the first time i ever got a laptop in my whole life!! Man im so jubilant! Delighted!! Way before that, i've played with my cuz's laptop and i find it real cool.. to have like a "pocket computer" whereby u can carry ard wherever u go..

However, this was not the case for me.. I didn't really bring my lappy ard in school although most ppl do.. i always leave it at home for fear of ppl stealing.. and also cos its heavy.. and i dun rly need it. The only time i brought it out was to the library for a project, and tat was the first time i find it a hassle instead of fun to bring it ard. Thats becos the battery can;t last long!! And i hav to find an outlet to plug my charger in to charge it.. Then other probs resurfaced.. such as the charger got spoiled due to my frequent coiling of the wire.. when it finally pronounced dead, i brought it to the repair centre to exchange for a new one, lucky i was still under warranty that time.. But now.. this new one which i've been using for quite a long time.. is also gg to say gdbye to me.. The wire somehow is a bit frayed with a bit of it exposing.. i have to use black tape and tape it up so it wont get exposed.. and sometimes, the electric can flow sometimes cannot.. So becos of this, its HARD to charge my laptop and becos the battery runs out very fast.. i need to charge it very often whenever i turned on my com. Felt like my com is on the verge of dying.. i wanna get it replaced.. but not enuf $$.. if only i saved enough $$ i can get a new one.. Well, its all about $$$ these days.. isn't it?

Okok.. so where was i?? Keep talking abt the laptop thing.. Oh yeah, its already October!! Gosh.. so fast man.. yeah and so fast in a few wks time, i'll be gg back for my next review at the hospital again! That kind of feeling is like coming upon me again.. not sure how will everything turn out.. And whether my mc will be extended again or not and by how long.. i rly do not noe.. On one hand, i yearn to have longer mc as i kinda enjoy wad im doing now (though its kind of boring, but its also a "gd" lifestyle.. eat-slp-eat-slp..) But then on the other hand, i also can't wait to learn to walk again so i can go back to normal lifestyle.. Man, its so hard to decide between the two.. Hmms, of course i wish i could walk so i can go back to normal again.. As for now, really dunno wad is gg to happen next, so can only wait and see wad the doc have to say before i can even think abt anything else.

As im typing this now, my com screen keep blinking and flickering.. i rly hate it!!! Im gonna whack it already!! Yes i just gave it a hard knock on its back!! And it kinda returned to normal!! Well this is wad i did everytime i see the screen flickering.. i noe its bad to hit it.. but i have no choice.. if i dun hit, it will keep flickering non-stop.. so the solution is to hit it!! Damn.. i rly wanna change a new one liao.. but $$$$$!!! Arghhhh!!!

Kk, enuf abt laptop and $$$... Hmms, well its been almost 3 and 1/2 mths since the accident happened and i was being grounded at home. So missed the world outside.. Wondering when can i ever go out to see the world again?? Oks.. nth much to talk abt though.. just noe that my company's building have been moved to a new one.. haven got to see it.. but i supposed it shud be better than the old.. So many things have changed..

Sometimes, i just wonder, wad would it be like if i were born in a different country? Would i be like what i am now? They say, "The grass is always greener on the other side". Yes its so true i keep thinking its so gd to be living in another country.. but is that really true? I rly dunnoe.. im kinda influenced by the Westerners... i rly wish to become Western one day.. or will i not? Hmms.. we'll see.. too many things to decided already.. afterall its the future.. no one noes wad tmr will bring isn't it?

Okays.. i guess thats all i have to say.. sayonara!

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Impossible

Monday, September 20, 2010 at 11:43 PM
Just changed the blog song to a new song... (and its also the song i downloaded.. damn!) Yes.. anyway, its called Impossible by Shontelle.. love this song man.. its so catchy!! Esp the chorus.. tell them all i know now.. bla bla bla.. super catchy!! Just too impossible~~ impossible~~ impossible~~ impossible.. Actually im a bit outdated on eng songs.. this was rather an old song but i just heard it lately and began to fall in love with it.. The song has a lot of feelings in it.. esp when the chorus came.. it was like some sort of "let all your emotions out" kind of feeling for me where i just want to yell and scream like nobody's business to vent all my frustrations and all the things inside my heart out.. so its also one good "venting" song.. for me especially.

Becos humans are all "feel-able" creatures.. we do have feelings.. everyone has. I just can't control myself at times.. but to switch to that emotional side of me again. I really dunno why.. things have changed, people have changed, everyone have changed. They are not the same anymore.. Perhaps its just hard to maintain a long term friendship when ur not even close to someone in the first place.

All this while, i have been living in hurts and hurts.. from sec sch to poly to even now.. army.. but all these hurts does not come from whatever sources.. they come from people. People whom i met all throughout in my life.. i dun wish to recall them anymore.. those were the unhappy experiences.

So now, wad am i gg to say? I felt like im in that same "situation" whereby im beginning to lose trust in ppl again.. that kind of helpless feeling.. insecurity that followed me since.. Maybe its becos i dunno how to conversate with ppl? I dun seem to click with any of them? Perhaps im just a un-sociable and nv-will-get-along-with-anyone kind of person.

Felt like going to another world.. another place out there and start a new life on my own. Perhaps i will live like that in solace forever..

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Heavy price for a lesson

Sunday, September 19, 2010 at 11:56 PM
Man!!! I just did a terribly stupid thing.. wanna noe wad is it?? I went to surf the net on my phone.. using the internet provided by my provider. All the while i have been using wifi all along to surf net on my fone.. but becos the signal is too weak, i decided to change to using the ideas wap that was in my phone.. that is also the internet provided by the provider.. Singtel. So it means im now using Singtel's internet to surf on my phone, and naturally.. i had to pay for it.. I already knew it.. but i didn't expect that i would have to pay over 50 bucks for that!! It was really WAY TOO RIDICULOUS!! IT IS!! So this was wad happened..

I went to download a song that is about 8mb on my phone.. and spent abt 10-15 mins using the internet. Then when i went online on my com to check the charges.. it was 0.01 cents/2kb.. after i checked my usage on the internet.. it was 10.61mb.. so after i did my calculations.. to my horror!! It was 54.34!! Thats the price that i have to pay! OMG.. its horrendous!! Not convinced, i called the singtel customer care hotline and then it was confirmed.. its true!! OMG!! I didnt noe about such thing at first.. i tot it wun costs that much to surf the internet on the phone.. cos like in previous years.. i did surf and the amt was never more than 10 bucks! But this time, i used only abt 10mb.. and it amounts to $54!! OMGOSH!! I was really aghast.. but too bad the singtel staff can;t do anything abt it.. so means i had to pay for my ignorance and foolishness..

Felt damn stupid and heartbroken.. to spend $54 just over one song which i could get it from the internet using my com and transfer to my phone.. i guess im just too "rich".. like to throw my $$ away.. lol.. no of coz not!! This was done in a "unconscious" state of mind.. but wads done is done.. no pt crying over spilt milk now.. just felt bad cos my dad always say money is hard to earn.. yet i just spend it away like that.. !! Over a song!! I really deserve a good scolding from my dad for it.. for not internalising the phrase into my head.. Whenever i think abt the money he makes are those which are gained from his hardwork.. "blood sweat money".. it really pains me that why am i spending all the "blood sweat money" that my dad earned so hard like water..

I guess i only have myself to blame for this matter... A heavy price for a lesson learnt.. Next time better not use my phone to surf net anymore.. maybe just use wifi..

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相反的我 The opposite side of me

Sunday, September 5, 2010 at 11:14 PM
I think this song really relates to me. Translation is done by yours truly.

我看着镜子后面皱著眉的我
i look into the mirror behind and saw the "frowning" me
很孤单她有话想说
very lonely it seems he wants to say something
像天空不会永远都是蓝色的
Like the sky will not forever be blue always
有阴天你才会抬头
On cloudy days you will look up
走穿多少的巷弄
Passing by so many villages
笑了哭了
Laughed and cried
有三四个人爱我
A few people loved me

Chorus:
我想要一个乱了数字的时钟
i want a clock with its numbers jumbled up
我想做一个完全相反的我
i want to be a person that is opposite of me
我在这个世界拼命些什么
i work so hard in this world for what
累死我
making myself so tired
我有双不听任何命令的耳朵
i have a pair of ears that don't listen to orders
去享受快乐加上自由的我
to enjoy the happiness and freedom in me
我要变成一颗透明的石头
i want to become a transparent rock
我不会动
i wont move
也不会痛
and wont feel any pain

像轮胎用了太久 没气了 所以
like a tyre used for so long until it has no more air left
原谅我 想消失几周
forgive me as i wanna disappear for weeks
每个人都在选好的轨道奔走
everybody is walking on their own good chosen path
讲真的我想要呼救
truthfully speaking i wanna call for help



The explanation:

I look into the mirror behind and saw the "frowning" me very lonely it seems he wants to say something..... (Actually i always pretend to be happy on the outside, yet the inside of me is just a sad and lonely person and i have lots to say but just can't and dunno who to find...)

Like the sky will not forever be blue always.. On cloudy days you will look up.. (Just like happiness will not last forever, there's also the unhappy times that i will have to go thru and face up to it)

Passing by so many villages.. Laughed and cried.. A few people loved me (After going through the many ups and downs in life, i realised only a few truly cared for me)

i want a clock with its numbers jumbled up.. i want to be a person that is opposite of me.. (How i wish time would just stop at that moment where im truly feeing happy and blessed.. where i can be totally carefree.. the opposite of me.. carefree side of me..)

i work so hard in this world for what.. making myself so tired (What am i working so hard for? Do i get any reward from this? No i dun.. i only make myself more and more tired..)

i have a pair of ears that don't listen to orders.. to enjoy the happiness and freedom in me.. (How i wish i dun have to listen to all those unhappy stuff that i dun wan to hear and think about those unhappy things in life.. just continue to enjoy the freedom and happiness that is in me)

i want to become a transparent rock.. i wont move and wont feel any pain (I just want to become "transparent" to the world, dun wish to care about anything so i wont get hurt)

like a tyre used for so long until it has no more air left.. forgive me as i wanna disappear for weeks (I dun think i have anymore "stamina" to go on already.. i just wish to take a break from all these "chaos")

everybody is walking on their own good chosen path.. truthfully speaking i wanna call for help.. (Seeing everyone is so successful in their lives, i can't help feeling envious about them.. and i wanna be like them too.. become successful... but just dunno who to turn to for help..)

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The verdict

at 10:34 PM
Ok.. at last, the verdict is out! I realised i have been using this phrase a lot of times... like the posting i got after pop from bmt.. and also the posting i got from the oeti course.. Recalling those moments.. yeah they were sort of a "panic rush" for me.. like wondering what's gonna happen next, where will i be posted to... and so on. Well anyway, the verdict is out! What verdict? lol.. the verdict as to whether i'll be extending my mc or gg back to camp..

And well, of coz.. its the former rather than the latter.. which is my mc will be extended.... for another 2 mths. GOsh! So long right! On one hand, yes im glad that i have another extension, but the other hand, i also feel sad cos i can't go out, have to stay home for another 2 more mths, which is hell load boring! Omy omy.. why why why.. did i end up like this? Prob God saw me toiling for abt 1 yr for ns, so he wanted me to have a gd rest.. but.. well.. i just hope i can get well soon.. I would rly love to go out n see the world again.. Oh and btw, that doctor who attended to me is a different one from the last time.. he's sort of strict and keeps telling me not to put my leg on the floor which i did the last time as i tot i was abt to recover.. well, i dunno what to do, who to listen.. is it the prev doctor who said i can put my leg on the floor or isit this one?? Haiz..

I guess this "transition period" is sort of an eye-opener to me too.. like i realised many things throughout this period when i was home-ridden. The phrase, "a friend in need is a friend indeed" truly comes alive.. Saying is easy, but doing is difficult. When a friend is really in need, do we really go and help him/her? It lets me see what kind of friends i have.. the true ones, the goody-goody ones, or the casual hi bye ones.. Truly, how far a person will go to care for a person depends on his own genuine love and care for the person. If a person truly cares for another person, he will no matter wad extend and reach out to him for the furthest he can go. So it all boils down to that thought and concern, whether is it genuine or not. Saying can be easy.. saying "i care for u in my heart".. yes its so easy anybody can say it.. but what about doing it?? Its a different thing altogether.. I guess, this is all about our self thinking and perception.. whether we really perceive that him/her as a true fren or not.

Ppl say, making friends is easy.. but maintaining them is difficult.. Really, it takes a lot of time and effort to nurture and maintain the friendship. Sometimes, some friendships might just fade away and new ones might be formed again and again.. So yup, thats about friendship.

As for now, i simply can't stand my dad talking to his friend now... not that i dun let them talk, but he is like "badmouthing" me telling him all the bad things i have done and so on.. well its all about $$.. as i wanted a new laptop, and i told my dad abt it he doesnt want to give me one as he said there's still one "spare" laptop at home.. but that spare is so slow.. unless we put a bigger RAM into it.. but i can't as i can't even go out and walk.. So his friend was like asking why he dun wan to buy for me.. and then he said things like.. i squander all my money into taking taxis everytime.. im this, im that.. bla bla bla... yes yes yes i take taxi everyday so wad!! Thats my money wad! Ok... perhaps i shudn't take his money, but.. my sis asked him for laptop that day cos hers spoil, he immed go and buy one for her cos she said she need it for work.. wth! He's just more bias to my sis and dote on her more lor.. Forget it, i think i'll just have to save more $$ to buy a good laptop for myself in future.. And thinking abt that, i rly wanna find a job and earn lots of $$ for myself so i will not be looked down upon by my dad and others!! Damnnnnn... just so peeved...

Kind of bored.. wondering what to do the next few days... arghhh!! I can't go on like this!! There's just so much emotions inside me, wanting to share with ppl, but who can i share with? I dun think there's anybody ard to share this burden with me...

i dunno why, i kinda like... lose trust on ppl already.. i dunno who i can trust in this world anymore.. no one seems to be nice to me genuinely.. to think the world is actually such a cruel and realistic place, there's no "love" in this world at all.. i rly wanna live in my own world instead.. dun wanna face the outside world anymore..

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