Winzzy's World Of Thoughts

Anyways, i bet no one whom i know will be reading this so yeah.. free to rant here anyway.

As of now, im just feeling damn low...super deep deep low and down to the max..

Oh yes, im EMO.. EMO EMO EMO!! So what???

Guess im still back to square one in the end..

No matter what i do, no one will care..

Just totally hate myself... hate that im being born into this world..

Why must i even exist in the first place??

Maybe im just different from others.. Yes, wadever..

I dun wish to care anymore..

GG-fied....forever....

So, is it goodbye to the organ or??

Well well, i had called up the servicemen 2 wks ago and they agreed to come to my house to do a technical "check-up" on my organ. And so, today was the day the serviceman came. After opening up the screws, lifting up the cover, i saw what revealed underneath. A whole chunk of wires, chips and electronic boards. It has the likes of the inside of a computer, only thing it is not that complicated as the computer, but still several wires here and there connecting to different circuit boards.

So there, after a fine examining and testing.. he deduced that it is a "serious" problem, and to "cure" the problem, the only way was to change the whole motherboard. I was like.. ok.. but when he said it might cost ard $600.. i was like.. SHOCKED. Really.. I mean $600 for a motherboard?? U kidding?? But it was true.. And as the model of this organ is rather old.. and its already been discontinued, the parts will have to be purchased from somewhere but this tech guy says he knows some dealers out there so he can help us out "privately".

SO NOW.. the question is.. whether or not to "save" my organ.. I would definitely love to save it so i can still use it to play other songs.. more over, its been with me for abt half a year now and so there's a sentimental value towards it. BUT THEN.. the deciding factor was.. the COST..

When i asked dad to help fork out the money, knowing his stingy character, i noe he wouldn't, but at least if i said i fork out half, he fork out half, he might.. BUT.. to my unbelief.. he straightaway said NO. He dun even wan to fork out a single cent at all!! He just wanted to "end the life" of the organ. Well.. considering the organ is really old right now.. it might not be a good thing to get it repaired but.. even a new piano would at least cost a few hundred close to a thousand dollars.. so wad is $600 compared to that??

Well of coz.. $600 is still a considerably big figure which was why i had to think thru again and again.. becos my dad is now willing to spend only 100 bucks.. which means the rest i'll have to fork it out by myself..

Sigh.. i really love the music played out thru the organ.. as its bass and speakers are very strong, the music produced from it is loud and rich and lively. And so i enjoy playing it.. Seeing that now i can't play on it anymore, its really very sad.. but i can still get it repaired.. at the cost of 600 bucks.

Should i really get it repaired?? I really dun noe.. Wanted to find out the exact cost of the motherboard so i can know whether i have been "cheated" or not.. but i can't seem to find it on the internet.. so i only have one choice.. to risk losing the 600 or choose not to save my organ at all..

Haiz.. initially i tot it was a small problem.. maybe a bit of tuning or fixing would get it done.. but.. i didn't noe it was a major problem that even the whole motherboard has to be changed!! Too bad i dun noe how to fix an organ if not i will attempt to save it on my own.

I guess i would risk the 600 to save it again, but its just a matter of time.. im still thinking right now...

It is only time like this where i think having a job is so impt, as when u got a job, u got money. Cos earlier i was having the intentions of quiting and perhaps taking a break or wad.. but now, looks like i can't..i gotta earn more money and save up so i have enuf to spend.. spend on all this things like repairs, etc..

Right now, it is as gd as "dead"... shud i attempt to do "CPR" on it?? and pay the "operation fee"??

Dad says its useless to operate on it anymore since its so old and its been operated before.. so i dunno if its worth to operate on it.. But now, its just the matter of money.. whether am i willing to give out that money.. to exchange for the price of my organ to be back "alive" again..

So yeah... is it goodbye to my organ or not????

This person whom i have helped the last time.. has turned around and totally changed like a different person to me now.

Oh well, at least i noe his true colours.. but thats not all.. i suffered a injury becos of him..

I shall call him a fucker!! Seriously mother fucker!! Seriously fucking bitch!!

Well, this was wad he did to me.. he took my finger and bent it all the way backwards until i was totally in pain and he din seem to be apologetic at all.. just becos i said sth not nice to trigger his anger..

And i didn't rly expect wad would happen when i showed him the middle finger. Guess it was my fault too to show the middle finger at him, not knowing he would twist my finger the other way round and injured my finger severely.

Fine, wads happened has happened. But that doesnt mean i will forgive him. He shall forever be in my hated list and im not gonna see him anymore again i swear!! FUCK HIM SERIOUSLY!!

Now im just worried abt my finger as it hurts quite bad and i cant move it too vigorously lest it might drop off or wad.. and having the injury of this finger, my whole hand now seems like no energy.. no longer can do things the way i do.. i can't brush my teeth with my right hand now, shower also cannot.. in a way, my right hand is like "maimed" now.. im a handicap now..

I rly dunno wads gonna happen to my finger, will it cure back or not or will i suffer a fracture.. gotta do an x-ray to find out..

SHIT!! Why must such things happen to me!! Its just so unbelievable that my finger got twisted by that jackass fellow and now i have to live like a handicap without the use of my right hand!! Im so pissed!!!

I just hope everything will be fine.. my finger will regain normal strength again..

So the moral of story is.. never to be kind to others, they dun appreciate, and nv will..

Im so disappointed in this person that i helped him before and he just happily forget everything abt it.. fine i shall no longer see him, i will take him as non-existent from now on..

Just hope i can regain back my finger strength and everything will be fine..

*Keeping fingers crossed*

I rly dunno wad to do and who i can turn to for help, just decided to blog it over here though..

As u noe, i've already been in my job for abt 1 mth plus.. coming to 2 mths.. firstly, it was alright i feel.. but then suddenly, due to the fact that quite a few colleagues left, and there were so little manpower left, and i have an increased workload.. but its not just that, i just hate receiving calls which will give me problems which i am clueless and can't solve.. but i noe i will definitely receive a few.

I just dunno..somehow the passion just died down.. i no longer feel happy at all helping people.. i help and help.. help and help.. wad do i get in return?? They also dun appreciate me helping at all.. i rly dun see the point why i shud help them anymore.. Them referring to the "callers"..

And also in this line of work, its quite busy and time consuming, so sometimes there are not much chance to "slack" and have a bit of "OTOT" time.. i really hate it when i go for breaks and can't take too long, not even ans a personal phone call.

Due to the fact they just installed this big TV.. and no its not for movie!! Although its a LCD TV.. but.. its not for movie.. lol.. its.. for monitoring our movements lor!! OMG!! Its like.. even if we go for breaks.. if it exceeds the time limit, it will flash yellow.. other cases it will flash red sometimes.. seriously no freedom at all..

Work and work and work non-stop.. Singapore working life is like that.. wad to do?? Everything also so expensive nowdays.. cost of living is high.. bla bla..

Anw, i received a fone call telling me there's an interview for a IT job position.. and i m keen in going lor.. cos its quite near my hse..

So well, will be trying out for the interview to see what happens.. if they accept, i'll take.. if not i'll stay on my current job bah..

But i really dunno wad to do lor... so frustrated out there!!

GRRRR!!!

Ord was one of the best things that i ever had seriously.. but what comes after ord is really the real thing..

So i have started working already.. been abt 1 mth plus in this IT company. First time doing a full time job in my life besides my internship back in the past.. I must really say, the working hrs are DAMN LONG!! Perhaps i too long nv work outside already..

Oh yeah.. but well i've kinda adapted to the working hrs and everything.. its just a routine everyday.

Except... the waking part!! I seriously hate to wake up so super early just to go to work.. and when im back home, it feels like almost 3/4 of the day is gone with me having like 4 hrs more to myself before i have to go to bed and tmr will be a new day again..

Time seems long when u have things to do, but seems short when u have nth to do.. those days when i were slacking at home idling away.. i rly feel time pass so fast.. but now at work.. time is really so slow.. each day to me is like so long i just can't wait for 6 o clock to come and i can go off.

So how's the people there in my workplace?? Hmms.. so far i would say they are all nice and friendly ppl.. maybe for some a little small temper la esp when they busy then i ask them wad to do they will get a bit pissed its understandable lah.. So yeah so far all still quite gd.. except that i think i have a barrier with my team leader though. Im not saying she's not nice.. but she is in charge of us and i noe its her job to make sure all of us perform well in the job so perhaps for me she find im a bit slow and slacking in the job so sometimes when i go for break for long time, she will suspect me and drop me some hints *wink*.

First time when i was really on the job.. getting the calls and so on.. i was very afraid, its just like a timebomb, anytime anybody can call and i would have to be ready to "defuse the bomb".. if i can't defuse it correctly, the bomb will explode!! So yeah i tend to always go into the offline mode.. which means it will not accept incoming calls. But my team leader saw that and ask me to go online mode all the time so i did.. and yeah, perhaps thanks to her making me feel so "stressed" and "pressurised" and a bit of "fear".. im no longer that scared anymore.. now being in online mode doesn't mean a timebomb to me anymore as i noe roughly what kind of qns ppl will be asking and how to ans them.. only for a minority which are still not easy to solve..so yeah..

AHHH!! I noe its getting a bit boring and hard to understand the previous part cos i haven rly tell u whats my job scope and everything.. basically im doing a helpdesk job and thats to ans fone calls and respond to customer's queries.. haha fun u would say? BUT.. there are difficult times too when u meet those nasty and demanding customers who want their problem solved on the spot.. i guess every job has its highs and lows.. so yup.

I wont go into more details.. so anyway, last wk was the last day i worked with my colleague.. he was the very first colleague that i met on the first day.. and we get along kinda well.. it was also thanks to him that i kinda like working as i noe i got a companion. But now.. he's going to be transferred out, that means he'll no longer be working with me anymore, i feel very sad of course!! To the extent of even crying.. But, i just can't cry out.. And suddenly i think, shud i also leave or shud i continue?? But actually im also waiting for my turn to be transferred out.. which i dunno how long it wud take.. just hope it'll be quick and fast..

Really hate to travel so far to work everyday... from one end to the other... just hope i can endure it for another month.. and then aft that i'll be posted to somewhere nearer to my place..

Sometimes i just think, why must i keep working so hard when others are studying or enjoying?? Is this really what i want?? I rly do not noe..

Now i understand working is not that fun as i thought to be.. its tiring and stressful.. but at least.. its not like army.. army is compulsory, working is not compulsory.. but its compulsory if u want to earn a living and to survive.. so in other words, its still compulsory lah.. haha..

OKOK.. time for me to embrace another new day tmr.. without my colleague tmr.. wonder if anyone will be replacing him or wad.. will it be a better day tmr?? i hope!!

K BAH!! Wadever negative tots that i have.. i'll erase them temporarily and get on with LIFE.. AHHH!! GAMBATTE~~ Renew my mind.. renew my thoughts and thinking..

Keep on fighting!!!!

BYE.

ORD LOH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCKING HELL YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AWESUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, everyday i've been waiting and waiting just for this day to come!!!!!!

Finally, its here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its fucking awesum!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No nd to wake up so early again.............

No nd to see those faces again...............

No nd to endure n tolerate all the shit..................

Best........... no nd to see that DEE ASS AMP of mine!!!!!

WOOOOOOOOOO.......thank god...!!! Just when the state in camp is really like shit and living hell... im out of this shitty n sucky place!!!!

One thing i dun like is the breakfast thingy... have to wake up so early to go cookhse to eat.. lucky i dun even have to eat at all!!!

Another thing.. the rules n regulations in camp is getting more n more stringent n rigid.. anything do wrong can so easily sign extra... of coz la.. with that DEE ASS AMP of mine... extras r inevitable!!!!

Finally can kiss gdbye already!!!! I bet those ppl whom like to make fun of me will start to miss me cos they cant do that to me alredi!! But well.. i've alrdy tolerated enuf shit from them.. until i fucking cannot stand already!!! If im not gonna get out of that place soon... i might not be able to get out of it alive!!

So here am i.. standing tall and alive... OMG!!! IM ALIVE!!! I NV TOT I WOULD BRACE THRU THESE 2 YEARS COMING OUT ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH MY OH MY... IM ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOO!!! I SURVIVED THESE 2 YEARS!!! IM A SURVIVOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now... im sooooooo freeee!! Freeeeee to do wadever i want!!! SO FREEEEE!!!!!!!!! LOVE IT!!!!!

Love my freeeeeedom to the max!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ORD is really the love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ORD means everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ORD means freeeedom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Finally no nd to go back to that slumhole again!!!! So fucking ulu that place!!!!

FINALLY FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ORD LOH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If i was from the ptp batch back then, today would be a day that i will be celebrating.. why? Cos it will be "my" ORD day! But apparently, its not so.. back to emo. -.-''

Anyways, im now on "unofficial leave" aka mc lols.. again. Why? Cos i just had my wisdom tooth removed again. This time, and also its the last time for my other side. The last time i did was abt 2 mths ago, so yeah finally time to do this last side and its all finished!!

Just wanna say, this time round the operation still the same as before, however i feel it hurts more than the last time.. esp the pulling and drilling part of my tooth.. that part makes me feel like dying!! It was super PAINFUL!! Maybe the anaesthethic not enough dosage.. So i had no choice but to endure it for like.. 10-20 minutes?? And then when i heard "its done".. i was like WHEW!! But wad followed after was a temporary numbness of my cheek around the area which was being operated on.. so i couldn't feel a thing.. but aft a while, the numbness subsided and the pain starts to come in.. thats when i needed the painkillers.. the pain is finally gone aft a while of taking in the painkillers.. And now, my cheek is a little swollen... so its fugly! lols..

Kk... i've not been in camp for like almost one week, except for a particular day, that was tuesday. Apparently, i could have just not gone back at all.. but due to this thinking that this junior of mine would not be able to cope without my help.. i decided to come back even though i was on off. It was really a rash decision i made though. Could have enjoyed my monday to the fullest but yeah.. stupid to go back camp and to witness all the shit that happened.

From my words, u could tell that i already had loads of shit coming. Seriously, i shudn't have gone back at all!! A bit like "zhi zhao de ma fan".. Okk, firstly when i came back, my junior saw me and asked me why i came back.. I said i wanted to come back and help him.. I tot he will be touched when i said it but to my dismay, he didn't! He said i wanted to come back to save that off day of mine.. which is true i partly wanted to do that, but my main intention of coming back was also to see how he is coping and whether he need help or not.. cos i tot i will be gone for like a wk or so and wont be able to help him much, so i tot of cancelling my off to go back and help him.. but sadly, it wasn't appreciated at all..

Wad comes aft that was even worse...just like a nightmare.. The moment i stepped into my bunk, this particular big-sized guy just started his "crazy tongue lashing" on me. It really got me annoyed cos he used all those sarcastic and crude remarks on me which really made me mad!! As he was the one that did duty with me on sat.. it wasn't really a gd one doing with him. As he was my orderly.. so he just did wad he supposed to do, that is to collect lunch n dinner thats all.. the rest he dun bother. Thats how lazy he is. There was one time i saw so many ants crawling on the floor and asked him to help me clean, he dun wan.. i was super pissed with him lor!! Somemore my hand accidentally hit the railing so hard, that it became blue black and sore.. at that time i was so scared my bones might crack lor!! Yeah, i hate myself for being so bony and skinny.. =(

Anyway, i really loathe doing duty with him.. seriously sucks ttm. And now, come back bunk, he's my bunkmate.. still gotta endure his shit talk. Think he very smart, just bcos my intelligence quite low, can suan me until like that lah!! FCUK HIM!! I rly hate it too.. but sometimes i just can't think fast enough to outsmart him.. being in camp rly makes me stupid.. Anyway, just becos u big-sized doesn't mean i scared of u lor! U big sized doesnt mean u are strong.. it shows that u are FAT!! SERIOUSLY FAT!!! GEDDIT??

I keep tolerating him until i really REN WU KE REN le.. at the tech store where i went down to collect the spares.. he came also and he started his suan-ing again.. i seriously du lan liao and just retorted back to him.. Then he kinda "scared" liao so he try to act apologetic towards me. And so i relented and gave in. But who noes, come back bunk, he said he did that was to give face to me only cos got many ppl in the tech store so he dun wan to make the scene look ugly.. he wasn't really sincere abt apologising to me at all lor! FFFUCK HIM LAH!!! KNNCCB!!! Nv had i been so angry before lor..

Actually, he said i was the main cause of the whole thing.. cos i moved into their bunk from my own bunk.. Ok, initially i was from my own bunk with the bx people. But, due to the new ojes coming in and needed a place to slp and also during that pt of time, i dun rly like being in that bunk that i chose to switch to another bunk.. so this fatty tot of me like a "refugee" trying to seek refuge in their bunk. Had i known all this would happen, I WOULDN'T HAVE SWITCHED BUNK LOR!!! I'd rather stay in my own bunk.. all becos i wanted to let the new ojes come in so i sacrificed myself to go to another bunk.. now it looks like my decision was wrong in the first place!!

But sheesh.. wads done is done.. it can't be changed.. just gotta continue to endure for a mth more and kiss my ass gdbye to that holy goddammn place..

I guess i have uttered too much already... but cause im really angry when i think abt it.. so i wanna write it down.. but def not for memory sake!

K lah.. just can't wait to f off from the place lor!!! WHY?? Why today not my ord??? DAMNNN!!

Alright.... bb.