Hating that uncertainty

Monday, August 30, 2010 at 3:33 PM
Hiya, im back.. after a slightly long hiatus..? Okz..

Generally, the same routine.. eat sleep play eat sleep play... is always what im doing. (in short).. kinda used to this lifestyle already.. so good ah.. no need to do anything, no need to worry at all.. But... my this "sort of good" lifestyle is coming to an end soon.. as this thurs is the last day of my mc, and also my appt date with the doc at the hospital.

It is just this uncertainty feeling whether the doc will extend my mc anot.. otherwise i have to go back to that dreaded same old boring workplace again! Ohh.. its been quite some time since i've been there.. so dunno how is it gonna be like when im gg back there again.. Anyways, i think chances are the doc might extend my mc cos i can't walk perfectly yet.. and also, i need time to adjust.. so pretty need a few more weeks extension maybe. Anyways, just hate this uncertainty feeling... arghhh!!

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How long more?

Friday, August 13, 2010 at 11:16 AM
Im just pretending to be calm and cool about recovery.. But, actually the fact is.. i can't wait for it to be over!! I can't wait to get well soon.. to be able to walk again!! Damnn.. how long more?? Just hate it why can't the bone heal fast? The doc said youngsters like me will heal v fast one.. now alrdy more than 1 mth plus le.. still not healing fast? Damn!

It all boils down to that fall.. Why why why!! God why must u let me fall??!! Its so painful and now the recovery is even more painful and boring too.. God, why.. when i just abt to change my section and see my ns life getting changed.. this has to happen to me.. Now im as gd as dead. Cant go anywhere at all.. Im feeling v despair now.. Now that the fall has resulted in this fracture, it will nv be complete again.. Future life awaits more complications for me.. How i wish i can just end my life like this now.. then dun have to worry so much more.. God, perhaps u shudn't brought me into this world.. u brought me in here and let me suffer so much.. i dun wan to stay here anymore.. Damn. Getting so disappointed with ppl, life and all... There's nth much for me to look forward to..

Even after ns life.. i also can't seem to see where my life will go to.. now during ns, also can't do much... damnnnn... why has my life become like this?? GOD!!! Come n change my life!! I can't stand this anymore!!

One more thing i hate the fact im "crippled" now.. yes wadever u call it.. can't walk long distances, can't eat my fav food and drinks, cant go places.. cant do wadever i want!!! Arghhh!! Damnnnn... walking is such a big misery to me!!

God, are u there with me?? Where are u when i needed u?? Why din u watch me and prevent me from the fall?? What do u want me to gain from having this fall?? Tell me!!!

I feel so lifeless now... Sometimes dun even feel like getting up anymore.. maybe just let me die. I dun have the energy to continue anymore..

Disappointments one after another.... having someone close to ur side is jsut so hard.. wanna go back to those good old days and times of mine... damn!! WHY!!! Now, after that fall.. my life is nothing but pitch black!! My social life also becomes lesser due to the fact i can't meet up with ppl.. so many loss rather than gain!! GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im crying out to u now.... tell me what i shud do!!!!

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.........

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Frustrated

Tuesday, August 10, 2010 at 12:42 AM
Im writing this post cos im feeling frustrated now..

I simply dun get it.. my house becoming a hotel now!! Damned!!

Cos.. of my sis!! She likes to bring frens home.. and now they playing mj in my house.. so late at night u noe?? I wan to slp also cannot!!

Its not that i dun like her to bring her frens.. but.. our house not big lor, not bungalow or wad.. and she bring so many machiam like party.. crazy lor.. i hate crowds.. i'll get "scared" seeing so many ppl lor..

I simply dun get it.. why must she be so nice to her frens in the expense of sacrificing our family?? Is frens so impt to her that she can forgo the family for her frens? To me, i wun.. ok it depends.. to those whom i regard as true frens, maybe i wud.. but those casual frens, i will nv.. I just dun get it.. she prioritise her frens in front of family.. I noe frens r impt, but also dun have to everytime give in to them wad.. she always give in to them.. see lah.. they playing mj so happily in my hse now.. noisy lor..

I just hate crowds lor.. perhaps its just my "inner disability".. and i also have social probs too.. dun like to talk to ppl.. unless i find them very comfortable n easy to talk to.. but most of the ppl whom i talk to.. usually arent that easy to talk to.. so as such, we are always just "hi bye frens" instead of frens whom can go a long way and chat everything under the sun..

Thats me.. i hate myself too.. why am i not that sociable?? I dun wish to be popular or to be in the limelight, but at least give me some brains to think abt what to do or say to a person when he or she talks to me at least.. i always have difficulty talking to ppl and replying to them, thus i dun carry a conversation quite well..

Enuf abt all this le... back to topic..

Yeah i just dunno why she likes to invite frens home and treat them as "gold".. My house isn't a house anymore.. its become a hotel where ppl come and go as they please.. Where's the basic house rules we ought to have in the traditional old days? No wonder they say, ppl change.. generation changes ppl... I hate this generation of ppl!! I wanna go back to the old tradition again!! Yes i mean it!! I dun like this new generation at all..

Ok i shud stop here now.. hopefully i'll feel better after writing all this down.. peace.

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FML!!!!

Sunday, August 8, 2010 at 2:46 PM
Freakkkkkk!!!! Its getting so bored here.. im almost gg to be bored to death soonzz.. Yet, i still gotta endure another few more mths maybe?? Damnnn... when can i get back to walking eventually?? So damn angry with myself for falling down and ended up this way... I really hate my life now.. Perhaps u think its good to eat, slp, play and do nth for the rest of the day.. its gd to me for a few days, but i simply can't live this kind of life for more than a mth.. close to 2 mths!! Arghhh.. gg crazy soon..

Why must i fall?? And fall so badly?? Ended up with a stupid injury but the most painful thing is recovery!! (Might as well just let me die from the fall!!) I really can't wait anymore...

Felt like no one cares anyway.. Im just a lonely freak out there waiting for death to take place sooner or later..

Heck!! Wadever.. im so messed up with life now that i dun wan to think abt anything else.. If my life gonna be like this, so be it!! Bored then bored to death lor... looking at that stupid leg of mine, how i wish to just break it and end this whole painful recovery process...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Damnnnn, i dun wan to go back army, but i also dun wan to be stuck at home!! So sickening!! Hate myself..

Shit this whole thing... FML FML FML FML!!!

Sometimes, i keep quiet doesnt mean i hav nth to say. I say ok doesn't mean im fine. When i smile, most of the time its usually a fake smile. Im a very passive person, always waiting for ppl to approach. I dun like to tell ppl what im feeling cos its just not my style. I rather they come and find out from me themselves cos then i will feel its more genuine. But then again, im also afraid to open up. Maybe its just me. I prefer to be sealed up alone in one corner. But, im still hoping someone out there would find me and bring me out of the place im in.

Many at times, we cant be ourselves, esp when we are with frens whom we r not so close with.. we tend to fake ourselves to be happy but actually we're not. I guess everyone has a thing to hide.. their emotions and feelings. If only we can be so open up to many ppl, then we can be true to ourselves. How i wish i can be myself!! Really just myself in front of my frens... Can i?? Where is the real me? Where has it gone to??

Thats all.. im just bored. FML!!

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Boredom strikes

Tuesday, August 3, 2010 at 6:58 PM
BORED BORED BORED... I AM SOOOOOOOO SOOOOOO BOREDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!

So bored so bored so bored........ BORED to death!!!!!!!! lol....

Mannnn...time pass v quickly at times, yet so slowly at times too...

Nowdays everytime stay at home, super bored to the maxxxxx!!! mexico!!!

Kkz, i am just so bored now!!!!!!! Can anyone find me sth to do?????

Looking at the state im in, if it wasn't for the fall... i wouldn't be in this state now. Damn... why must i fall?? I so hate myself!!!

I wanna go back to the normal life..... go outside and see the world!!!! ahhhH!!! freaking bored here....

Just an update... 2 more days before my appointment date at ktph!! Omigosh!! Wonder what's going to happen... Will be having the x-ray on my hip to see if it has healed.. I hope it has.. looking thru all the articles on hip fracture, it just gets me so depressing.. after seeing the complications it can do to my hip.. Total hip replacement!! Ahhh!! I can't think abt that!!! seriously... dun wanna go for another surgery again!! Pray that i'll be fine!!

Okk.. with nth much to do now.. its very very boring... if only got ppl come talk to me then i wun feel so bored... Haiz, well sigh....

Thats all.. BOREDOM STRIKES!!!!

Zzz..........

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